10 Things from Sunday Funday: Week 4

10 Fun things I heard and learned from the Sunday Slate

1. At this point, I’m glad I have Steve Smith and not Steve Smith. Given the opportunity, I might trade Steve Smith for Steve Smith, but Steve Smith’s quarterback is looking a lot stronger than Steve Smith’s, so, I don’t know, maybe I wouldn’t. But I do like Steve Smith, don’t get me wrong, I’m just real high on Steve Smith right now. You know what I mean?

2. The girls next to me are talking about, I kid you not, the “heaviness and texture of a shower curtain.” Meanwhile, its 4^th and 10 in OT and Carson is not coming off the field. I mean, I know my posh Wal-greens liner has seen better days, but if the Bengals go for this and miss, the Browns only need 30 yards for a field goal. There’s quite a bit of mildew build-up at the base of my curtain, and a different texture might spice up the room. But this play could be the game… I really can’t decide, so many important things going on around here.

3. Better Receiver my @$%. In 4 games now, Darrius Heyward-Bey has out-produced the business savvy Michael Crabtree by 2 catches and 36 yards! Al Davis wins! Speed kills! -3 yards rushing! J-Russ! 61 Mil!

4. As if this fantasy trade didn’t make enough sense already, (Reggie Bush and Todd Heap for Brian Westbrook and Dallas Clark!?!?! I know right?) Add this super-puzzling conversation to the mix.

Dude That Made Bad Trade – So what’d you think of my trade?

Me - Um, well, honestly? I’m not real sure what you were thinking here. You downgraded big time at both positions. Sure, Westbrook’s bruised up and on a bye, but he was your first pick overall, no reason to cut bait yet. And Clark, I mean, he’s been the best tight end, if not one of the best overall…

DTMBT -  I know, I know. Dallas Clark is my favorite player.

Reaction shot of me staring confused into camera, Jim Halpert style.

Here’s a cool pic of DTMBT’s favorite player that he gave up for Heap!

5. I think I felt more awkward than Hoodie Jr. appeared after witnessing that sneak attack B-Marsh hug. Weeiirrd. But hey, if Brangelina can make it through such public scrutiny, than so can Brosh. Just win baby! Just win and you’re golden. Then adopt children!

6. “He’s a man, he can be hit just like us,” says Ray Ray regarding Tom Brady and the poor roughing the passer call. But that’s not the point Mr. Lewis. I know you selfishly want to destroy quarterbacks and ruin their lives, but you should be careful what you wish for. You’re gonna have a tough time making the playoffs with Troy Smith at the helm when we let James Harrison legally dive at Flacco’s knees and drive his helmet into his chin and end his season.

Like it or not, the nature of the QB position puts them in incredibly vulnerable positions.  QB’s are far too valuable to a team not to protect them from cheap shots. For the sake of the NFL, for your team, for the fans, this position has to be protected. A QBs job is unique. 4 or 5 250 pound mad men are sprinting at them every snap from 5 yards out, and their first job is, not to avoid the rush, not even to really look at them, but to keep their eyes downfield and make a play. You guys can’t just  smash their heads in with your helmets and roll into their legs and end their seasons Ray. That’s ridiculous. Sorry man. I respectfully disagree with you. Now, I would say this specific call was weak (and maybe they should have an official on replay watching these calls) but the way you’re speaking, in generalities, you’re off base. If you want to spend time running your mouth though, you could do it about something worthwhile. Like this next thought:

7. Why Mark Clayton? Why why why why why do you and so many players continue to trap the ball on your chests! It drives me insane! It’s called catching the ball, not pinning the ball against your body. Reach out for the ball and when it makes contact with your hands, have them give a bit, secure it, and then pull it towards your body. It’s so much easier than your method of letting it smash into your body like it’s hitting a wall. (Yea, I really am giving an NFL wide receiver advice)

If someone throws an egg at you, are you gonna use your chest like a backboard and try to pin it? Hell no, you’re gonna reach out with your hands and gradually draw them back to cradle the egg and soften the blow so you don’t SMASH THE HELL OUT OF IT and drop it. Soft hands. Just like Gordon Bombay taught us. It will make your so much life easier and keep you in a job. If you drop a ball from a roof into a net, it lands softly and securely. If the same ball falls directly onto the ground it’s gonna bounce like crazy. Use your hands the like the net. I swear so many of these guys can run and jump and bench 225 20 times, but their hand eye coordination doesn’t match up.

I have better hands than Mark Clayton. I challenge him. He can even wear those ridiculous super glue gloves they all use now, I won’t. (I don’t know what this would prove, but I’m just annoyed.) Give me Hines Ward and his 4.7 40 any day.. Annnnd deep breath. Alright I feel better now.

8. Johnny Knox, YOU ARE RIDICULOUS!!!!

9. Did the Cavemen in the Geico bowling commercial really not see the “so easy a caveman can do it” ad on the pin-clearing apparatus until late in that late in the game? Maybe they really are that simple.

10. Menu adjectives are humorous. For our Sunday special try our spicy Cajun Jamaican jerk alpine teriyaki wing platter with our own special house-made Vermont white cheddar cream cheese sauce! Or, try our 5-star burger topped with our famous slow churned buffalo milk aged-swiss American smooth buttery wood smoked bleu cheese apple butter. Oh wow! Thanks menu adjectives. I think I’ll have it all! Mmmm that’s really good! I can really taste the buffalo and the Vermont, but not so much the buttery wood or the aged-swiss. No worries though, I’ll just cleanse my pallet with this unsalted wheat baked champagne soaked soda cracker crisp and give it another go. Thanks menu adjectives!

It’s just a cheeseburger for cryin’ out loud!