10 Things from Sunday Funday: Week 12

1. If there is a horse collar tackle in a football game, you will always know it. Why? Because every man, woman, and child in the room will call it. “Horse collar, horse Collar! Oh c’mon, throw the flag, that’s a horse collar!”  Somehow they all know. They’re all football experts on that call. I guess it’s because it’s a relatively new highly publicized rule with a funny name, and it’s visibly violent. But you watch, whenever a defender gets a hand near the back of the ball carries neck, people are on the edge of their seat ready to be the first and smartest football fan to scream out the obvious.

2. I just heard this from a reliable source who knows a guy that went to school with Tiger’s friend… It seems that Woods was leaving his Orlando home at 2:30 AM to meet with Athletic Director Jack Swarbrick about a possible head coaching position opening up at Notre Dame…

So yea.. there ya go, two birds, one stone.

3. I’m hearing some buzz (NFL.com) about the Colts offense finally taking a back seat to their defense, who stepped up in the second half against a potent Texans offense. Eh, I don’t see it that way. The way I see it, the Texans took a 20-7 lead to the half against Indy and just freaked out. They didn’t know what to do with it. They gave up 4 unanswered TDs and just looked confused against a team they’ve only beaten once in 15 tries. Sad really for a team that has looked promising this year. It’s crazy to think that teams can freak out at the thought of one player orchestrating a 4th quarter comeback, but they do. Just ask Darth Belicheck.

4. I’m pretty sure Soccer has a penalty now to combat all that fake injury/flopping the players do to get a call. I think the NFL could adopt something similar. In all my years of watching football I don’t know if I’ve ever seen this much whining by receivers after an incomplete pass. Not to single anyone out because it’s all over the place, but Jeremy Maclin throws his arms up looking for a flag after every incompletion. And half of the time when they show the replay again, there is no contact. I agree that sometimes a ref will miss a call, but its getting ridiculous to watch these guys cry about it every play. Bad pass, receiver wants a flag. Tripped on his own feet, receiver wants a flag, Dropped pass because the QB threw it to hard, Flag. Dropped a pass because he should be playing special teams but his team decided that he was a No. 1 receiver, flag. I say cut the hissy fits and throw a 5 yard flag on the receiver for throwing a tantrum.

5. I heard this joke today from a guy at the bar. “Hey Jim Zorn, the 50’s called, they want their hair style back.” Ummm. Penalty on this guy. Well, kind of. Calling out JZ’s haircut, that’s funny, but using the “person place or thing called” joke is painfully lame. Really, did anyone ever think that was funny? Maybe the first person who ever used it deserved a few points. The person hearing the joke was probably like, “Wait, what, Marlon Brando called? How? I don’t”…And then he realized he was being made fun of for wearing a white t-shirt to a dinner party. But c’mon, the 50’s called? First of all, everyone’s heard this awful joke set up so many times, you can’t possibly think it’s going to go over well anymore. You can’t help but cringe in the seconds between the set up and the punch line. And second, the 50’s called? Why would a decade call? What would that even sound like. They can’t talk. This is silly. Probably sounds like when your trying to sign onto AOL through a phone line in the 90’s. Two points for calling out the hair, Minus three for formatting.

6. Here’s a phrase that could probably be eliminated altogether for its futility. “Man, I hope i make the playoffs this year, I could really use the money.”Oh man, I had no idea! That’s great! You could really use the money? Cool man, because I’m wondering, is there a time when you really couldn’t use the money? I can’t think of one. “Gosh, I really hope you beat me this week Jim, I just really couldn’t use the money. If I hear about someone rooting against their team in the super bowl because they couldn’t use the money, this phrase will have relevance again.

7. Uh-oh, the Chargers are doing it again!!! You know what I’m talking about. Where they’re unanimous preseason favorites, then they struggle. Then everyone thinks LT is a bust. Then Gates disappears. Then they start winning a few games under the radar. Then they start crushing teams. Then they’re in first place again. then Gates blows up for 9 TDs in one game. Then Phil Rivers gets thrown into the Manning, Brady, Brees talk. Then LT looks alive,. Then they make the playoffs. Then they’re the team that no one wants to play. Then LT gets dinged up and he’s on the sideline. Then media calls him selfish. Then they lose. Then they never should have let go of Schottenhiemer. Then LT might get traded. Then they might draft Beanie Wells to replace him. Then they still have the best jerseys ever.

8. Don’t look now, but  Jamal Charles, or Ja-Cha, that’s what I call him, has quietly put up back to back to back 20 point games. It’s the year of the Texas Longhorn running back, my friends. Ricky, Cedric, Ja-Cha, Priest Holmes, Selvin Young, Earl Campbell, Larry Johnson, Chris Johnson, Jack Johnson, Michael Johnson, the Olympian, Olivia Newton John, Elton John, John Travolta.. you name it.

9. The Vikings dismantle a uninspired Bears team. Lovie’s seat is on fire. Like, if you could pick a flavor 5 times hotter than the Blazin’ wing option at B-Dubs, that’s how hot. And Favre, he’s that hot right now too. But as for the MVP talk, might he be getting knocked for doing “more with more,” so to speak? The Vikings seem like a complete team, while the Saints probably wouldn’t be undefeated without Brees. The same with with the Colts. Whatever. They’ll battle it out soon enough.

10. The Bad: Jake Delhomme, Jay Cutler, the movie “Old Dogs.” The In-Between: Eagles squeaking by Washington. The Bengals win unenthusiastically over the Browns, “The Blind Side” The Good: Vince Young’s 99 yard TD drive. Chris Johnson gets 150 more, Percy Harvin, Vernon Davis, Antonio’s break out, and “NEW MOON!!” OMG!! Still Team ROB! AHHHHHHHHH!

Week 12 NFL Power Rankings

A weekly peek at the NFL from top to bottom.

NFL Power Rankings

1 Last Week: 1	New Orleans Saints Oh how I cannot wait until Monday night. A win over the red hot Patriots would mean the world to this young explosive team.
2 Last Week: 3	Indianapolis Colts Nothing is coming easy at this point, but wins are all that matter. Home field advantage is almost sealed.
3 Last Week: 4	Minnesota Vikings Favre, Peterson, Rice, Harvin, Berrian and Shiancoe have something very special going on right now.
4 Last Week: 3	New England Patriots Sweet revenge over the Jets last week. Can make a statement win this week in New Orleans. I repeat, I can’t wait!
5 Last Week: 9	Dallas Cowboys Dallas is a step below the four teams in front of them, but fit the bill of “best of the rest”.
6 Last Week: 7	Cincinnati Bengals Bad loss in Oakland. With the Steelers losing they could have all but locked down the division.
7 Last Week: 14	San Diego Chargers Finally the team is starting to play as well as they look on paper. After an awful start they sit atop their division.
8 Last Week: 17	Arizona Cardinals A running game is evolving! Early in the year neither Hightower or Beanie could get it going, now they are a nice two back tandem. Warner being injured is a concern.
9 Last Week: 22	Jacksonville Jaguars Sitting on a nice three game win streak. None have been pretty, but a knack for winning close games is crucial come playoff time.
10 Last Week: 5	Philadelphia Eagles Losing Westbrook is tough for this team. McCoy is very capable, but this team has a tough sled ahead with the Falcons, Giants, Broncos and Cowboys still on the schedule.
11 Last Week: 8	Pittsburgh Steelers Losing to the Chiefs is stunning. Will it be a wake up call, or has this team taken a step back?
12 Last Week: 10	New York Giants Finally got back in the win column. The schedule isn’t nice pinning them in a cross-country, high altitude, road game in Denver….oh did I mention it’s a short week as well?
13 Last Week: 6	Denver Broncos I said long ago I didn’t truly believe in this team and they are showing why.
14 Last Week: 15	Atlanta Falcons Lost a tough one to the Giants, a game with lowly Tampa Bay is a good way to get things right.
15 Last Week: 18	Green Bay Packers They should be sporting a nice three game win streak by early afternoon on Thursday.
16 Last Week: 16	Miami Dolphins Ricky Williams has filled in nicely for Ronnie Brown. Is Chad Henne good enough to lead a playoff push?
17 Last Week:26	Tennessee Titans No one wants to see this team on their schedule. We knew this team would wake up eventually. Most likely it happened too late.
18 Last Week:11	Houston Texans A clutch kicker away from being 7-3 and sitting pretty. As it stands now, they are fighting for their playoff lives.
19 Last Week:12	Baltimore Ravens Just can’t seem to get it going. 2-5 in their last seven games. Oh by the way, the defending champs are still on the schedule twice.
20 Last Week: 20	New York Jets Sitting at 4-6 but do have three winnable games ahead with Carolina, Buffalo and Tampa. They need all three.
21 Last Week:13	Chicago Bears Talks have begun about Lovie being on the hot seat. They probably drop their 4th straight this week in Minnesota.
22 Last Week: 19	San Fransisco 49ers Only remaining road game verse a team with a winning record is in Philly. This is the lowest team I will give any playoff hopes to.
23 Last Week: 21	Carolina Panthers Feel like they crushed their playoff changes by dropping one to the Dolphins. Its time to start a new QB era.
24 Last Week: 29	Kansas City Chiefs A big win over the Steelers. Matt Cassel, Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe have promise.
25 Last Week: 27	Oakland Raiders Nice win over the Bengals. Bruce G. gives this team some fight for the rest of the year, but need to find a long term solution.
26 Last Week:22	Buffalo Bills Nothing good to say, just better than the teams below them. Like the Raiders, need a QB.
27 Last Week: 24	Seattle Seahawks Forsett has looked very solid. But this team is missing a lot of pieces.
28 Last Week:23	Washington Redskins Join the list of teams needing to find a QB for the future.
29 Last Week:30	Detroit Lions Fun team to watch. Stafford, C. Johnson and Pettigrew have potential. Need a defense to help them.
30 Last Week:28	St. Louis Rams Poor Steven Jackson. Another team looking for a QB solution.
31 Last Week:32	Tampa Bay Buccaneers Josh Freeman has to have this team feeling better about the future. He did struggle last week, but he was facing the top team in the NFL.
32 Last Week: 31	Cleveland Browns Hey, atleast Brady Quinn showed life.

Hump Day Highlights: Week 11

Select highlights from last week’s action:

TO’s 98 yard TD

Devin Hester flashes his buns

Detroit’s miraculous win with no time remaining

Calvin Johnson’s reverse jam TD celebration

Steelers give up yet another kickoff return TD

10 Backyard Plays for Your Turkey Bowl Playbook

It’s that time of year again. Time to tape up the ankles, pull out the knee braces, and relive the glory years. Sure, you’ll be hobbling around the office next week, but this is what you live for… Alright, well not at all, but that felt somewhat inspirational. Regardless, now that everyone is getting older, and weaker, and heavier, here’s your big chance to show them you were always more valuable than those last pick selections would suggest. You’ve just joined a gym and you even started a new pilates class. So, goodbye old school image because today is a whole new ball game. And! Along with your newfound attitude and physique, I’ve revisited 10 popular backyard plays that you can review and master and bring to your huddle. I’ll go ahead and say it Mr. Turkey Bowl sleeper, you’ve just become underrated.

1. Crossing Route

The old criss-cross. Pick your two best athletes, line ‘em up wide opposite each other, have them cross about 10 yards downfield. They can use each other to “inadvertently” screen the corners. Whoever sheds their defender first, hit him in the corner. Easy yet effective.

“But what should I do?” asks the routeless receiver with the stone hands who should probably be helping his mother make cream corn instead of running patterns. “Uh, just run in circles over by that tree and try to get open underneath man. I’ll hit ya if they’re not open.” There ya go, good save.

2. Hook and Ladder

In the NFL it’s always a last minute option. In backyard football, it comes up whenever you feel like it. Start this trick play by throwing to the receiver who’s DB has been playing 20 yards off of him all game. You know, the one who thinks he’s so smooth he’s gonna play safety and corner so he can make plays all over the field, but really he’s killing his team by letting his receiver pick up chunks of yards underneath. Anyhow, send your receiver on a curl or button hook route over the middle, then have one of your speedsters hesitate at the line and run a slant underneath him, where he’ll take the pitch. It never works as well as you’d think, but it’s always exciting nonetheless. You can also run another version where the QB follows his pass and takes the pitch himself. Orrrr, you can run it again and have the receiver fake the pitch and continue running downfield, orrrrr, you can run it to the outside and have the running back run underneath. The options are endless, really! Go crazy! Get hooked on ladders!

3. Just Get Open

Quarterback is clearly growing tired of his receivers. Johnny “Computer salesman” can’t catch a pass for his life. Steve “I’ve put on 60 pounds since we had the kid” is sitting this play out sucking wind. Jeff “Former D1 basketball star” just pulled up limp clutching his hammy. Quarterback is way too pissed off at this point to choreograph a whole new play. What’s the point anymore? “Just get open.” he says, seeming to forget this is supposed to be the best time of the year getting back together your friends and family, “Screw the huddle, just get open.”

4. Button Hook

Want 5 yards on first or second down? Been wasting precious downs all game trying to air it out like Shake n’ Blake? Time to play small ball. Here’s your route. Run 5 to 10 yards and turn around. Hopefully the DB is giving you some room on early downs as he preps for the deep ball. This is one of the more conservative routes but it’s a high percentage play. If your good enough, you might be able to execute the tricky “the ball will be there when you turn around” version of this play. More power to you if you can, but that kind of stuff takes timing and practice. And go ahead and try it but someone’s probably gonna take a ball off the face, which could be worth it.

5. Fly Pattern

The “go long!” one and done play. In some games this route could probably be used on every down. One team will always have the guy who played in college, and he’s still in game shape, and he smokes his defender on every play, like this guy. But that’s no fun. Other times this play is called out of frustration or when a team is down a few scores. “Just go long, I’ll hit you. Everyone else just be a decoy.” A Hail Mary of sorts, it’s probably the most popular play in backyard football.

6. The Reverse

This play takes forever to develop, and it’s always easy to spot, but someone’s going to call it at some point, no doubt. And once you’ve been playing for a couple hours, and everyone is getting tired and silly, someone will call probably call a double reverse, or a double reverse pass, or a quadruple reverse pass hook and ladder. I’ve seen it. The reverse tends to work best in a tackle football game where running is more prevalent and you’re able to catch the defense off guard. But whatever, it’s a fun play either way and who doesn’t want to be part of a reverse?

7. The Slant

Need to get past the 2nd maple tree on a crucial 3^rd and short? Here’s your play. Send your speedster/top hands guy on a quick slant and fire an accurate first down pass. It’s uncoverable in the back yard football if executed correctly, but its also great way to get your receiver killed over the middle. But that first down is huge, you know? Could be the game, and he just sits at a desk all week anyway…

8. Quick Hitch

Avoid this in a touch game, unless you have a Hester-like player on offense or the corner plays really deep. If your playing tackle (football) and you can see that the guy covering your 6’2 220 pound receiver is getting tired of making tackles and taking knees to the face, get your receiver a quick hitch/wr screen and have him run through those lazy arm tackles and pick up a solid 10 before the rest of the D gang wrestles him to the ground.

This is also a great play for the guy who is terrible at sports, but showed up somehow because he caught wind of the email list. He’s growing noticeably upset that he hasn’t touched the ball in 4 straight series, so you have to give it to him here or he’s going to start running his mouth. Get him a quick hitch and get his touch out of the way. Hike, quick fire, annnnnd dropped pass… well at least you tried.

9. The Chair Route

The down and out and up route. Make the D think you’re running a quick out for a first down, then turn it up field, slip behind the defender, and catch a perfect lob pass from the quarterback. These routes require a little more time to develop, so hopefully the pass rusher is counting his Mississippi’s really slow.

10. The Stop and Go

The button hook with a twist. Receiver sprints at the defender then begins to stop. QB gives a pump fake and the receiver blows by the coverage toward the endzone.  You can set this play up with a few quick hitters, and once the DB sees you’re moving the ball with the dink and dunk passes, you’ll get him to bite on this play. Also, right before the fake pump, have the receiver scream the QB’s name like he did 10 years ago when he walked in on him making out with his sister. Helps to sell it.

10 Things from Sunday Funday: Week 11

1. I’m disagreeing with it, but Sunday’s results would suggest that the AFC North is overrated. In their defense, Baltimore and Cleveland did have tough matchups vs. superstar QB’s Manning and Stafford,  but no excuses for Cincy and Pittsburgh.

2. I just saw this statistic on NFL.com. The Cowboys are 11-0 under Wade Phillips when they have at least 30 rushing attempts!! Whoa-huh-ho! Who gives a $#!@? Statistics like this are ridiculous. It’s just stating the obvious for the purpose of wasting air time or take up space on the screen. Give me statistics that matter, like who’s in the lead for Romo’s heart? I mean how have the Cowboys even lost a game this year when this type information is available? C’mon Jerry! The numbers don’t lie. Run on every play!

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that most teams have the same lopsided ratio when they run the ball 30 times or more. If you’re able to knock out 30 carries, you’ve probably jumped out to a big lead and you’re controlling the clock. Or the opponents d-line is so weak, passing becomes a secondary option and you run it down their throats. That’s about it, and we already know this.

3. In one of the most exciting JV games of the year, including 9 TD passes, 4 lead changes, and solid defense, the Liedowns hold off the Brownies!

Really though, as bad as both of these teams have been, this game helps prove that the quarterback position isn’t necessarily the problem for either of them. There are so many glaring holes on each of these franchises, but give me C-Pepp and DA any day.

4. Brett Favre completed almost 90% percent of his passes Sunday, and he threw 4TDs to 4 different receivers, and he wears number 4 on his jersey! Coincidence!? I think so!

5. Here are some comments from a guy on ESPN radio about what Michael Turner brings to the Falcons and how it will hurt when he’s out.

“Here’s a guy who when he’s healthy, he makes all his carries and he takes the pressure off of Ryan…”

“Jason Snelling is not the player that Michael Turner is, and that’s why you might see the running game struggle…”

Very insightful, Radio Man. Thank you for all of that.

6. Is Polamalu really that much of a difference maker? This is getting insane. If he’s hurt, they lose to the Chiefs. If he’s healthy they win Super Bowls. Damn Head and Shoulders, knees and toes curse.

7. Oh I see, so the reason Chris Simms got the starting nod at the most important position in the most important game of the season so far was because he took all the snaps in practice the last few days? Hmm, Because I’m pretty sure Orton took all the snaps the last few hundred days right before that. I bet he didn’t forget how to play. If Orton was healthy enough to come in after three series, why was he not starting? Simms hasn’t started in three years. I’m confused.

8. 10 straight home losses for St. Louis and a superstar is wasting away. Pujols wants to spend the rest of his career in St. Louis. Hopefully Jackson doesn’t follow suit. Or!!!! Maybe he could play left field? He could play left field, right? Holliday’s AL East bound, right? Imagine Pujols, Jackson, Carpenter and Wainright? Right? I mean if loving you is wrong…K I’ll shut up.

9. Talk radio callers are great. This is made up, but I heard something like this: “Hi, this here Jim from Covington, KY. Um, now see, Carson Palmer needs to step up and make a play there in the enda that game, rather en just lettin em hang in there.. He’s just a big ol’ baby, he ain’t got no toughness factor. I mean why not try an’ trade him for someone who is a more proved tough winner like a Ben Roethlisberger. The Bengals beat the Steelers this year so they might even go for that kinda thing, ya know? I could do some better coaching than Marvin right now.”

10. Jason Witten is quietly becoming the biggest fantasy bust of the year. It’s 5 for 40 something every week with this guy. His effort is painfully uninspiring as well. Watch him on Thanksgiving, I swear he gently collapses on first contact after every catch. Good ol’ JW, a consistently mediocre fantasy performer? Yes! A 4th round pick and first TE off the board? God no.

College Football Top 25 Pick ‘em: Week 12

Dr. Wedge Buster places his, um..is that paint? er uh..places his bets on the Top 25

Thursday 7:45

(13) OKLAHOMA STATE -17 over Colorado

The Buffs are terrible at home and worse on the road.  OK State is pretty good against the weak opposition.

Friday 9:30

(6) Boise State -23.5 over UTAH STATE

Remarkably, the Aggies are 7-2 against the spread this year, despite having won just three games outright.  They haven’t faced anyone this good though.

Saturday Noon

(8) Ohio State -12.5 over MICHIGAN

You can say that anything can happen in a rivalry and you’d be right to some degree, but not when there is a considerable gap in talent and experience.

Minnesota +10 over (15) IOWA

I don’t see the Hawkeyes beating anyone handily.

(25) North Carolina -3.5 over BOSTON COLLEGE

The Heels are riding high after the big win over Miami last week.  Plus they have more talent than the Eagles.

Duke +20 over (24) MIAMI

The Devils will cause fits with the Hurricanes as they air it out and make it interesting.

12:20

(3) ALABAMA over Chatanooga

No line.  No contest.

12:30

(1) FLORIDA over Florida International

Ditto.

1:00

Memphis +24 over (22) HOUSTON

Hard to predict the Cougars.  Seems like their D needs to get lucky to stop anyone.

2:00

(4) TCU -31.5 over WYOMING

I won’t bet against the Horned Frogs.

3:30

NORTHWESTERN +7 over (14) Wisconsin

The Badgers struggle away from Camp Randall and the Wildcats sport a feisty squad.

(12) Penn State -3 over MICHIGAN STATE

Sparty sucks.

NC State +21 over (16) VIRGINIA TECH

The Pack can score enough to hang around for awhile.  The Hokies haven’t wowed me this year.

(10) LSU +4 over OLE MISS

I’ll take the points and the better team.  The Rebels have yet to net their first marquee win.

(18) BYU -10 over Air Force

BYU owns this series over the last 5 years and they are playing better of late.

4:00

(18) UTAH -20 over San Diego State

The Utes are runnin’ mad after being humiliated by TCU on nation television.  They return home to crush the Aztecs.

5:00

(20) Oregon State -31 over Washington State

A ridiculous line for a conference game on the road, but the Beavers are hot right now.  Can’t say the same about the Cougars.

7:30

Cal +7 over (17) STANFORD

Can anyone cool the Cardinal?  The Bears look to maul the high powered O and stop Heisman hopeful Toby Gerhart in his tracks.  It’s a hotly contested rivalry and this looks like game of the week material.

7:45

Kansas State +17 over (25) NEBRASKA

K-State can run the football and Big Red hasn’t proved it could stick in the Top 25.  This line is a bit too big for a Big 12 North battle like this one.

8:00

(11) Oregon -6 over ARIZONA

The Ducks appeared to be the class of the Pac 10 before a steamrolling by Stanford.  They’ll keep their Rose Bowl hopes alive against AZ.

Kansas +27.5 over (2) TEXAS

The Jawhawk Offense is good enough to hang around.  Isn’t it?  Maybe?  That is quite a large line.

The Office: The Michael Scott Fantasy Football League (Spec Script)

No one has a better grasp on office management than Michael Scott, of course, so who better to commission the company fantasy league than him? If you’ve ever wondered how the Dunder Mifflin crew might handle their own fantasy football draft, I’ve written a spec script detailing how one of the most exciting days of the year would inevitably turn into a disaster. It’s only slightly better than watching the show. Enjoy.

Scene 1: The Kickoff

After hours in the conference room, everyone is frantically flipping through magazines and making last minute notes before the draft begins. Jim flips through his notebook as Michael walks in wearing a football helmet.

Michael- Some last minute cramming there Halpert?

Jim – No, I’m good, nice helmet.

Michael moves on to address the rest of the room

Michael – Hello unworthy adversaries! Welcome to the annual Michael Scott Fantasy Football League, I’m your commissioner fooooootball Mike! (snaps his chin strap, gets in a three-point stance, and begins chopping his feet) Hello and welcome to another year of fantastic fantasy fun!

Apathetic hello’s from everyone in the room

Michael cont’d – As you all take one last look at your magazines and cheetsheets, I want to wish you all a very warm best of luck for second place.

Michael talking head (One on one with camera)

Ah Fantasy Football season, my favorite time of year, other than fall. People always say that fantasy football is a game of luck. Well those people, my friends, are losers. Fantasy football is game of good fortune, experience, and manipulation. Last year in my auction draft, I strategically threw out the name Adrian Peterson…the Bears Adrian Peterson but I didn’t specify. My Friend Ed didn’t realize it and I tricked him into a bidding war. I slow played the price all the way up to $39. Almost got him to bite at $40, but he figured out what I was doing and told me to take him. But you see, it’s those kinds of savvy veteran moves that will put you ahead of your competition.

Michael – So, my fellow inferior owners, I, the proud owner of the Michael Scott Paper Cuts, will have the first pick this year because I indeed won the title last year.

Jim looks into camera shaking his head in disagreement

Phyllis – Michael that isn’t fair. Most of us weren’t even in your league last year.

Pam – Yea Michael, she’s right. The order should be a random selection.

Michael, not wanting to be undermined, walks toward Phyllis.

Michael – Phyllis, you are what we call, a woman. And women cannot play football therefore they cannot understand football.

Oscar – Michael this is fantasy football, it’s has nothing to do with playing real football. And you’ve never played organized football yourself. Or any sport for that matter.

Michael – Whoa-ho-ho Oscar, fair enough! Coming from the guy who’s had more fantasies about football players than any of us. (looks at the camera, satisfied)

Oscar shakes his head in obvious disgust.

Dwight – What Michael is trying to say to you Phyllis is that you are an uneducated fantasy football fool, and that you must earn the right to speak before you go mouthing off about league rules.

Dwight Talking Head

I’ve spent the last two weeks assembling an extensive list of hazing rituals (holds up list) that I plan on unleashing on the first year owners throughout the season when they least expect it.  My personal favorites: (reads from list) Duct tape Phyllis to the vending machine after work. Shave off Andy’s eyebrows when he falls asleep at his desk. Hack into Oscars account and drop all of his players at 11: 59 AM on a Sunday and change his team name to The Wide Receivers with Tight Ends. (looks up from list with a sinister smile) If the site allows that many characters.

Jim – Ok guys, can I say a couple things? Great thanks, Um, Dwight this is actually your first year playing fantasy football too, so easy on the name calling. And Kevin, buddy, I don’t know where you got that magazine you’re holding but it’s clearly from 2005.  So maybe pull Shaun Alexander out of your top 10…

Kevin drops his head and groans in shame

Kevin Talking Head

I’m such an idiot. I thought Marvin Harrison had retired this year, but they kept talking him up in this magazine as a possible first round pick. Ughhh. Who knew you had to buy a new edition every year. I thought there was just one, like the Bible.

Jim cont’d – …And Michael, I’m not sure what you’re talking about because you definitely didn’t win our league last year.

Michael – I did win the league Jim, you dropped out of the league.

Jim Talking Head

Last year Michael set up our fantasy draft online because his “friends” (makes finger quotes) couldn’t agree on a time that was convenient for everyone to meet in person. Fine. No big deal. But after about 4 or 5 weeks, we kept seeing the same few teams make lopsided trades back and forth, almost like they were sharing players, which they were of course. And after a few of us called collusion on them, Michael finally confessed. Turns out he actually created 5 different teams on 5 different Yahoo accounts, and played as half the league.

Michael – Ok Sour Grapes, random selection it is. Ryan, pick a number for me.

Ryan –  Seventy thousand.

Michael – No, (groans) Oscar pick a number, 1 through 10.

Oscar – Two.

Michael – Ok then, good, that number was for my team. I will have the second pick in the draft, now we’ll go clockwise from here. Oscar pick another…

Jim – Michael stop. We’re gonna put numbers in a hat and draw, so it’s fair. Only way… Ok?

Awkward pause

Michael –  Is that the same method you used to pick Pam over Karen, Jim?

Pam immediately averts her eyes from the camera in humiliation.

Scene 2: On the Clock

Everyone is anxious still looking through notes as they wait for Phyllis to make the second pick of the draft.

Phyllis – Ok, I don’t know much about him, but I’ll select Morris Jones-Drew. Am I saying that right?

Michael – (Jumps up from his seat, slams his pen) AHHHHHH! Dammit Phyllis, you idiot, it’s Mo-Rees! Not Morris Jones. God I wanted MJ so bad. How can you take him from me? You don’t even know how to say his name!

Dwight – That’s preposterous Michael, you have the 9^th pick. No chance he would fall to you.

Michael- Whatever, (gathers himself) I don’t need him.  He has a triple name. Guys with triple names always end up fantasy busts. John David Booty. Ben Gay Roethlisberger.

Oscar – Really Michael? You’re serious?

Jim- Booty was never hyped in the NFL, can’t be a bust.

Michael – (counting off on his fingers) And then there’s Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie, That Stephens-Howling guy, Sean William Scott…

(Jim shakes his head at the camera and smiles in disbelief)

Andy – Sean Wil…The Stif-meister?! Ye-heh-hess! American Pie! Love it, love me some Stifler. Stevie Stiffs!! SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL!

Andy Talking Head

The first time I saw AP1… Let’s see, I was dating Cathy Urban. Urban the Virgin they called her. Well not after I was done with her if ya know what I mean? (Laughs creepily) Well not really, nothing actually happened, but you know what I did after I saw the movie with her? Exactly, I went home and tried the pie thing. Let me just say, a really bad move for the ‘Nard Dog. First of all, wait till that thing cools. I burnt the “you know what” out of my “you know what.” And second, it’s a whole lot more clean-up than you’d think. And third, DO NOT try to explain what happened to it when you serve it.

A few rounds have passed. Everyone in the conference room is growing noticeably bored.

Jim – Stanley, you’re on the clock buddy.

Stanley – Ok, I guess ill take…

Michael – Stanley before you pick would consider trading down? I will give my next two picks, and free coffee for a week.

Stanley – I would never! I’m only here to collect my overtime like you promised me so Toby wouldn’t be in the league. I pick Anquan Boldin.

Dwight – Wait, Michael is this true? You’re paying Stanley time and a half to be here right now? Did Corporate mandate this? You know that’s against company policy, Michael. As Assistant to the Regional Manager, I advise you take him off the clock immediately or I will be forced to go above you and call David Wallace… Or else you pay all of us.

Michael – No, Dwight, stop, that is ridiculous. I’m not paying anyone. Stanley is just mad that I took a black player with my last pick and now he can’t have all of them.

Stanley – Are you out of your damn mind? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. That is enough, I am walking out of here Michael and DO NOT try an’ stop me!

Micheal – Stanley no.. you can’t just.. Stanley!

(Stanley walks out)

Pam – Great. Thank you Michael. Now you’ve ruined the whole draft for everyone.

Andy – No no. No no no no no. Lads and lassies, have no fear. I can handle this, Noooo problem-o! I, the rightful owner of the “Andy Bernard Berrians” will step up to the challenge and take on the added task of picking for Stanley’s team. (Winks across the room at Angela) I am quite the multi-tasker.

Andy Talking Head

During our Spring Fling Concert senior year at Cornell, our tenor came down with a bad case of laryngitis two days before the performance. So, guess who came to the rescue to sing, not one, but two parts that show? (Nods head) That’s right, this guy did. (Points to self) Check this out. (Singing) Tooonii- ight I’m gonna have mysellllff a real good time.. (now sung in falsetto, making hand gestures as he moves up the scale), I feel ali- hi – hi – hiiivvvve!!

Michael – Fine Andy, go ahead, pick for him. Who’d he say he wanted again? Whatever just give him Welker, or Anthony Gonzalez.

Dwight – Absolutely not Michael. No one will be drafting for Stanley. That would be a conflict of interest. If Andy drafts for Stanley, I hereby officially declare my resignation from the league and request a full refund of my league fees.

Everyone appears confused

Kevin – League fees? What league fees are you talking about? I thought this was a fun league? Did anyone else have to pay?

Everyone either mumbles “no” or shakes their head, except Creed, who nods at the camera

Creed Talking Head

I paid Michael… in counterfeit bills. I mixed in a handful of authentic bills with a bunch that I scanned on my Documate 510. I simply printed them on our linen stationary for proper texture and rubbed ‘em together with real money so they’d look and smell legit. (Smells a fake dollar) Trust me they never know. How do you think I scored this? (Holds up a Rolex)

Dwight – (Astonished) No one else paid? Michael is this true? Michael, you told me the league fee was $500 dollars and you even made me pay $400 of it up front, and you said you knew I’d be good for the rest!

Michael – Dwight, relax, I was gonna give you the money back to you. Probably as a Christmas present or something, ok? But now, you’ve ruined the surprise.

Dwight – Michael you know that I do not believe in exchanging Christmas presents with co-workers. Only friends and family are worthy of my generosity. Where is my money?

Michael begins to pace

Dwight cont’d – (Growing frustrated) Michael?

Michael – Ok fine, Dwight… I need… I needed to make one last easy payment on my new home gym, which, Dwight, you’d be surprised at how effective 20 minutes a day on the Bowflex can…

Dwight – Michael! if you do not hand me my money immediately, I am quitting this league.

Silence

Michael – Well, I can’t do that Dwight. Unfortunately, it’s just not my call. The Michael Scott Fantasy Football League rules clearly state that league entrance fees are non-refundable.

Dwight Storms out

Scene 3: Game Over

Cut to parking lot. Everyone is leaving

Jim – Well I guess we still have a week or so to get another league started.

Pam – We could do our own two person league.

Jim – I don’t know Beasley. I don’t know how great I’d feel about beating you every single

week. I think you’d move out.

Pam – Please, I don’t think you could stand losing to me again after bowling on Saturday.

Jim – (Laughing) You made me use the 6 pound pink ball.

Cut to other side of parking lot

Oscar – Andy you wanna try to get the rest of us together and get the draft going again next week?

Andy – No thanks Amigo, I think this ended up being a blessing in disguise. Last year I was kicked out of 3 bars for taking my fantasy frustrations a little too far. I threw a chair at a woman wearing a Chiefs jersey when Brady shredded the ol’ ACL. I think a year off is probably a good thing for me.

Cut to Michael staring out his office window. He begins a voice over as the screen cuts back and forth between the parking lot, Dwight’s drive home, and the empty conference room.

At what point does a friendly activity no longer become friendly? When does a great idea become a reality, and when does it fail? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I did learn something today. And not just that Stanley is prejudice. I learned that sometimes no matter how hard you work to try to bring friends together, in something as enjoyable as a game of fantasy football, great ideas from great minds, they just don’t always pan out.  I’ve sadly come to accept the reality that our football league this season, might just be a fantasy after all. And also that Dwight is cheap.

Week 10 Cheerleader Roundup

The hotter side of your football obsession.

Where’s the Love for Toby…and his Conference?

Heading into last week’s matchup with the Trojans, Stanford’s Toby Gerhart was 6^th in ESPN’s 2009 Heisman Watch.  Gerhart was placed behind Mark Ingram, Tebow, McCoy, C.J. Spiller and Kellen Moore.  After torching USC’s defense for 178 yards and 3 touchdowns, ESPN decided to move him up the ladder.  What took so long?  Gerhart has put up staggering numbers all season long. And speaking of USC’s defense, is there a more overrated player in college football than Taylor Mays?  His weaknesses have been exposed all season long without the 4 NFL linebackers in front of him that he had last year.  I feel bad for the fans of the NFL team that reaches for Mays in the draft come April.

Back to Toby. Gerhart has 100 more rushing yards and 9 more rushing touchdowns than Mark Ingram, who is ranked number 1 on ESPN’s Heisman list. Granted, Gerhart has more carries than Ingram, but only because Alabama has more options on offense.  Trent Richardson is extremely capable of putting up comparable numbers to Ingram. I’m not saying Ingram isn’t great; he deserves to be on this list because of his consistent play all season, but he’s not even the most important player on his team. Terrence Cody’s two field goal blocks against Tennessee are the only reasons Bama is number 2 in the nation.  Teams facing Stanford know that Gerhart is going to get 25+ touches a game and still no one can stop him. He is by far the best and most exciting player on their team, and in my opinion, the nation.

2009 Heisman candidates from the SEC no longer have the argument that they play against the toughest competition in college football.  The competition in the SEC and the Pac 10 is not the same this year as it has been in recent years.  The SEC is still the best conference in the nation based on having the number 1 and 2 teams in the nation, but the deepest conference in college football in 2009 is the Pac 10.  The Pac 10 has 5 teams in the BCS top 25 compared to the SEC’s 3.  Watching some of the Alabama and other SEC games this year reminds me of watching the Big 10.  For those of you who don’t watch the Big 10, you haven’t missed anything. It once again consists of good defenses and inept offenses led by mediocre quarterback play.  The Pac 10 champ, Stanford or Oregon, will dominate the Buckeyes in Pasadena.  It’s unfortunate that Pac 10 games are difficult to find on TV east of Phoenix- the rest of the country is missing the most exciting conference in football.

Stanford got off to a slow start this season and the 3 early losses are the reason why Toby is not the Heisman favorite today. Now, as one of the hottest teams in the country, with two more victories over Cal and Notre Dame, and a Florida victory over Bama in the SEC championship game (due to Bama’s bad quarterback play), Toby will be the last man standing in the Heisman Race, and his skin color won’t prevent him from being there.

10 Things from Sunday Funday: Week 10

10 interesting observations from the Sunday slate

1. The Lions are so ridiculously miserable, although, it’s been that way for so long I’m wondering if a loss even bothers their fans anymore. With teams like the Bears and the Chargers, teams that have been somewhat competitive over the last few years, I imagine their losses have more of an impact on the fan base because of expectations. I get the feeling that losing is so immersed in the Detroit culture it doesn’t even disappoint them as long as they keep it close. But what do I know, I’ve never had to root for a team that bad. Sad, really. At any rate, here’s one of my favorite songs about the “cold” state of the Motor City. Beautiful lyrics that resonate with some deep emotion… and impeccable syntax, of course. Shed a tear and enjoy.

2. Overreaction of the year: A guy walks into the bar were at about 10 minutes after kickoff, finds his table, and says to his buddies, and I quote, “Nooo way! Tampa is winning? Ha, they’re terrible! What’s goin on?”

Penalty on this guy. First of all, I get this sneaky suspicion that he doesn’t care much for football. He seems like he’s just running his mouth to appear that he’s in the know. This is what he’s probably thinking:

“Hey guys I’m here now! What’s up?”

I better say something that makes it sound like I’m a football wiz.

“Nooo way! Tampa is winning? Ha, they’re terrible! What’s going on?”

I watch Sports Center sometimes and I know that Tampa is no good this year, so the guys will know that I know what I’m talking about.

“How are they winning right now, am I right guys?! How is this happening?”

I’m making valid commentary and my friends will think I have football smarts.

“Come on Miami! Pah-thetic. Oh yea, did you guys know that they run they Wildcat a lot? The Wildcat is like a revolutionary formation.”

I love wild cats, such as tigers and mountain lions.

Second of all, settle down spaz, it’s the first quarter. It’s 3 to 0. Miami has only had the ball one time so far.

Third of all, it’s the first quarter. Miami is down a field goal and they’ve only had the ball one time.

3. These Windows 7 commercials. Ehh. Whatever, I’m not hating them completely. The dialogue in the one where the big guy in the green shirt and glasses is talking to his girlfriend, where she’s like, “You called your mother,” and he’s like, “Of course I called my mother…” Fine, that’s kinda funny. But that’s not my problem with them. Here’s what I don’t get: Does everyone really think they are 100 times better looking and in better shape than they really are? I don’t think we do. I think were all fully aware of what we look like, especially in our own minds. When the commercial shifts into the character in thought scene, the person is always better looking in their own mind. Is Microsoft suggesting that we are naive, simple minded creatures who have an unrealistic perception of what we look like? I say yes, and I’m offended, So I’m sticking with my JustinLongBookPro.

4. Great coaches can make bad decisions. It’s 4^th and 2. I’m sitting on the couch saying, “They’re going for it? Is this a joke? This is suicide Bill, this isn’t Madden. Punt the ball!

And go ahead and say this is an easy call to harp on after it already happened, or say that Faulk was in fact across the line when he secured the ball. Fine. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying it’s still the wrong call even if they pick up the first down. Analysts were quick to say that Belichick goes for this because he’s overly confident. I disagree completely. If anything, I think it shows a complete lack of confidence in his team. Defensively, he clearly didn’t think his team could get it done, which makes little sense considering the odds are strongly in his favor when the opponent has to drive 80 yards in less than 2 minutes with only 1 timeout. This call was silly. You punt the ball, you don’t even think about it. Your offense already failed to move the ball; they didn’t get the job done. How could you possibly create a do or die situation for your team on one play when you’re already in control of the game?

This is like when you’re playing Monopoly and someone keeps slipping the broke guy a couple hundred to keep him around, and eventually he gets out of debt and wins. Why is this happening? I didn’t agree to this. Is it because they feel bad? Maybe Belichick felt bad for Jim Caldwell, because Dungy hasn’t been around this year and things clearly haven’t gone as planned? Of course not, but you play to win the game, right? This has been well documented. You don’t play to potentially lose the game if you don’t convert exactly one more play when you’re already winning. That’s ridiculous. Football is a game of opportunity and chance and field position. The way this game wound up, you absolutely have to punt the ball in this situation and put the odds squarely in your favor, aka, let Bankrupt Bob and his little thimble roll away his fate, and if he hits Free Parking 5 times in a row, then good for him, he deserves it. But don’t just hand him free money because you feel bad. Really, he should have quit being a cheapskate and bought some property earlier in the game, ya know? Why do people pass on property anyway? If you land on it, buy it, figure the rest out later. If Bob lands on Marvin Gardens, which is now carrying my luxurious 5 star-hotel and resort, he’s paying full price. And he can pull those weak-ass houses off of Baltic Avenue, pay up, and go sit on the couch and watch How I Met Your Mother re-runs for a few hours while I finish taking over this town.

Really though, I don’t care who is leading the charge on the other team, driving 80 yards in the final few minutes just isn’t in his favor. Driving 29 yards is a completely different story. This call wasn’t overconfidence, it was foolish. It was a bad call, and now he knows why.

5. The Saints-Rams game raises a lot of questions about how New Orleans would fare against the rock solid teams like the Vikings, Colts, Pats, Bengals, Raiders, Browns and Steelers. But they won the game, and even good teams struggle sometimes and find a way to win. On a side note, Sean Payton is going all Shanahan on us with his RBs and it is killin’ us owners. I just picked up Deuce McCallister and you should do the same because you just never know. Craig Heyward is probably a flex play at this point.

6. The Broncos loss to the Redskins reiterates what many of us felt all along. Overachievers. This has nothing to do with the coaching though, McDaniels has been great, but talent-wise, they’re just not there. And why is Kyle Orton the only player who still wears the floppy sleeves. Those things would drive me nuts. Secure your flappy wings K-man! (I prefer my clever K-man nickname to Neckbeard) Or you know what, Favre might still wear the floppy’s too. I think he does, I don’t know. Who cares though, Favre can play in anything. Favre can play in jeans if he wants too. I’ve seen him dominate in jeans on a sloppy wet field. He can have the floppy sleeves if he wants. K-man though, I’m not so sure.

7. The Cincinnati Bengals. Wow. Swept the Steelers, swept the Ravens. Here’s a team with a great running game, a great defense, and a rocket-armed leader at QB. Sounds like a recipe for playoff success. Can’t stop this train. Wait Benson went down? No worries. Bring on Larry Johnson. Henry broke his arm? Let’s bail out Plax. And TO? He can’t be happy in Buffalo, right? Locker room leader’s are few and far between. And where’s Pac-Man? Groovin’ to Party in the USA at Pure? Get him on a plane. Stallworth? He’ll run someone over for you. Marvin saved Ced. Marvin saved Tank. Let’s make it rain with the rest of them. Iverson can back up Palmer right? He’s disgruntled. And Cutler? He’ll want out soon. Get him in stripes. Vick? He’s so fast…

8. Maurice Jones-Westbrook!!! What the Helen Hunt are you doing to me!? C’mon!! I’m only up 14 now and he has Flacco tonight. I guess I won’t complain too much because you did put up 20, but oh man, you crazy unselfish team playing high paid bowling ball of a decoy you.

9. I was down quite a few points in my fantasy game with only Moss left on Sunday Night. But you can never ever give up hope says my buddy. Hopes and dreams points he calls them. If you believe hard enough in a victory, you will earn the extra points. Well I took a nap and hoped and dreamed, and now, 179 yards, 2 tds and a few hopes and dreams later, I believe him. So when your down and you think your out, always remember your hopes and dreams points to get you over the hump, because in Fantasy Football, heart most certainly does matter on the scoreboard.

10. Well shoot, maybe Vince Young is Hall of Fame Bound like he claims he is. That’s 3 in a row now, and he’s actually taking care of the ball. I was thinking he was the Luke Hochevar of football, but dare I say, with his mental issues seemingly behind him, is he not right on par with a different young Royal and probable Cy Young winner to be?!

…Nah.

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