Schlereth and Hoge: “Factor Analysts”

I can only imagine how the producers on the World Wide Leader must sit back and cringe every time “Factor analyst” Merril Hoge uses another one of his hilarious catch phrases.  I’ve said this before, but he’s used his silly “factor back” label to describe so many different running backs it doesn’t even mean anything anymore.  And then there’s Mark Schlereth, who awkwardly moonlights as crime fighting novelist, Detective Roc Hoover on everyone’s favorite soap, Guiding Light. Thank goodness Mark and his gentle disposition are around to explain what the “NFL” acronym stands for 15 times a show, because I would have no idea.

Obviously these guys offer up some valuable insight after playing in the NFL for so many years, and Merril earns some big time respect for this impressive call in back in ‘06.  But my god their deliveries can be downright nauseating.

It’s time I turn the tables on the talking heads and break down one of their “ESPN NFL LIVE”  performances in the same manner they might break down a game. It’s what I like to call the “Schleril”-style.

(Read in your best motivational Mark or Merril voice for effect)

Folks, take a good look at this Thursday night performance from the Entertainment Sports Programming Network’s National Football League Live team. When you talk about the physicality and the dominance of an Entertainment Sports Programming Network analyst you’re talking about one of the greats in Merril “The Mitsubishi” Hoge. “The Mitsubishi” is a factor analyst. Take a look at his effortless break down of the Pittsburgh Steelers defensive dominance. Look at him hammer home his unbiased points. You wanna know how you become the best at breaking down a James Harrison stunt blitz? Easy, you practice everyday at home in the shower, just like Merril “The Mitsubishi” Hoge does. I call him “The Mitsubishi” because he effectively presents his points and drives them home. And you can always count on him for big time break down at some point along the ride. Take a look at his consistent ability to force ingenious catch phrases and slick nicknames on his audience and players, respectively. They don’t always, or ever stick, but he stays up all night working on them anyway. This is what Factor analysts do, they factor analyze different factors of a National Football game, and they do it well. From what I can tell it’s been an A-plus start for “The Mitsubishi” tonight.

Now take a look over at Ron Jaworski, who we like to call “The Rolling Ball of Butcher’s Knives.” Look at him use his sing songy voice to hammer home his love for Matt Ryan’s brilliant execution of the 7 step drop. Listen to his dazzling inflection while he maintains the perfect pitch as he strategically catches the ear of each and every home viewer. Look at the effortless ease with which he draws lines on the telestrator in the direction that players move. This is a factor analyst in his finest form. This is what I like to call a major league analysis by a major league analyst.

Now we move over to some important scientific graphics. Watch carefully as Mark Schlereth almost looses his touch when his Entertainment Sports Programming Network-axis technological breakthrough graphic freezes up on him. Granted he should be ready for this type of mishap, but the blame here should fall squarely on the shoulders of the producer. If it wasn’t already, his seat has to be heating up. Viewers will not tolerate these type of mistakes over and over again. But take a look at Mark here. He’s a real gamer. After a mild struggle to buy some time during the technical delay, he tediously stretches his words and uses his masculine, yet soothing and deliberate tone to bring it all back together. The combination of all the weight he’s lost since his playing days, and his years of analytical experience are key factors in holding this down. Listen to what he says here to save this segment. “A few technical difficulties are as easy to contain as a 3 man rush, so we’ll just move on to the Monday Night game for the moment.”

Brilliant! What an excellent transition by one of the greats.  Listen to him continue on seamlessly.

“What I’m looking for right now from this Denver Broncos football team, is that if they’re going to play football in the National Football League, then they’re going to need big time football plays from big time football players to make a difference in the National Football League. Josh McDaniels, Kyle Orton, and the rest of the Denver Broncos, right now, are showing me why they are the best team of all time in the National Football League. Also, Bronco castoff Jay Cutler of the Chicago Bears football team is a headcase and a crybaby and needs to show me some maturity if he ever wants to succeed in the National Football League.”

Boom! What a smooth save by Schlereth! What a transition! That’s what we like to call the “Papelbon shut down special”.  The cagy veteran saves it again! Schlereth utilizes what we like to call the “texas hold’em focus factor” because his concentration switch was clearly flipped to “all in.”

Kill me.

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