The Office: The Michael Scott Fantasy Football League (Spec Script)

No one has a better grasp on office management than Michael Scott, of course, so who better to commission the company fantasy league than him? If you’ve ever wondered how the Dunder Mifflin crew might handle their own fantasy football draft, I’ve written a spec script detailing how one of the most exciting days of the year would inevitably turn into a disaster. It’s only slightly better than watching the show. Enjoy.

Scene 1: The Kickoff

After hours in the conference room, everyone is frantically flipping through magazines and making last minute notes before the draft begins. Jim flips through his notebook as Michael walks in wearing a football helmet.

Michael- Some last minute cramming there Halpert?

Jim – No, I’m good, nice helmet.

Michael moves on to address the rest of the room

Michael – Hello unworthy adversaries! Welcome to the annual Michael Scott Fantasy Football League, I’m your commissioner fooooootball Mike! (snaps his chin strap, gets in a three-point stance, and begins chopping his feet) Hello and welcome to another year of fantastic fantasy fun!

Apathetic hello’s from everyone in the room

Michael cont’d – As you all take one last look at your magazines and cheetsheets, I want to wish you all a very warm best of luck for second place.

Michael talking head (One on one with camera)

Ah Fantasy Football season, my favorite time of year, other than fall. People always say that fantasy football is a game of luck. Well those people, my friends, are losers. Fantasy football is game of good fortune, experience, and manipulation. Last year in my auction draft, I strategically threw out the name Adrian Peterson…the Bears Adrian Peterson but I didn’t specify. My Friend Ed didn’t realize it and I tricked him into a bidding war. I slow played the price all the way up to $39. Almost got him to bite at $40, but he figured out what I was doing and told me to take him. But you see, it’s those kinds of savvy veteran moves that will put you ahead of your competition.

Michael – So, my fellow inferior owners, I, the proud owner of the Michael Scott Paper Cuts, will have the first pick this year because I indeed won the title last year.

Jim looks into camera shaking his head in disagreement

Phyllis – Michael that isn’t fair. Most of us weren’t even in your league last year.

Pam – Yea Michael, she’s right. The order should be a random selection.

Michael, not wanting to be undermined, walks toward Phyllis.

Michael – Phyllis, you are what we call, a woman. And women cannot play football therefore they cannot understand football.

Oscar – Michael this is fantasy football, it’s has nothing to do with playing real football. And you’ve never played organized football yourself. Or any sport for that matter.

Michael – Whoa-ho-ho Oscar, fair enough! Coming from the guy who’s had more fantasies about football players than any of us. (looks at the camera, satisfied)

Oscar shakes his head in obvious disgust.

Dwight – What Michael is trying to say to you Phyllis is that you are an uneducated fantasy football fool, and that you must earn the right to speak before you go mouthing off about league rules.

Dwight Talking Head

I’ve spent the last two weeks assembling an extensive list of hazing rituals (holds up list) that I plan on unleashing on the first year owners throughout the season when they least expect it.  My personal favorites: (reads from list) Duct tape Phyllis to the vending machine after work. Shave off Andy’s eyebrows when he falls asleep at his desk. Hack into Oscars account and drop all of his players at 11: 59 AM on a Sunday and change his team name to The Wide Receivers with Tight Ends. (looks up from list with a sinister smile) If the site allows that many characters.

Jim – Ok guys, can I say a couple things? Great thanks, Um, Dwight this is actually your first year playing fantasy football too, so easy on the name calling. And Kevin, buddy, I don’t know where you got that magazine you’re holding but it’s clearly from 2005.  So maybe pull Shaun Alexander out of your top 10…

Kevin drops his head and groans in shame

Kevin Talking Head

I’m such an idiot. I thought Marvin Harrison had retired this year, but they kept talking him up in this magazine as a possible first round pick. Ughhh. Who knew you had to buy a new edition every year. I thought there was just one, like the Bible.

Jim cont’d – …And Michael, I’m not sure what you’re talking about because you definitely didn’t win our league last year.

Michael – I did win the league Jim, you dropped out of the league.

Jim Talking Head

Last year Michael set up our fantasy draft online because his “friends” (makes finger quotes) couldn’t agree on a time that was convenient for everyone to meet in person. Fine. No big deal. But after about 4 or 5 weeks, we kept seeing the same few teams make lopsided trades back and forth, almost like they were sharing players, which they were of course. And after a few of us called collusion on them, Michael finally confessed. Turns out he actually created 5 different teams on 5 different Yahoo accounts, and played as half the league.

Michael – Ok Sour Grapes, random selection it is. Ryan, pick a number for me.

Ryan –  Seventy thousand.

Michael – No, (groans) Oscar pick a number, 1 through 10.

Oscar – Two.

Michael – Ok then, good, that number was for my team. I will have the second pick in the draft, now we’ll go clockwise from here. Oscar pick another…

Jim – Michael stop. We’re gonna put numbers in a hat and draw, so it’s fair. Only way… Ok?

Awkward pause

Michael –  Is that the same method you used to pick Pam over Karen, Jim?

Pam immediately averts her eyes from the camera in humiliation.

Scene 2: On the Clock

Everyone is anxious still looking through notes as they wait for Phyllis to make the second pick of the draft.

Phyllis – Ok, I don’t know much about him, but I’ll select Morris Jones-Drew. Am I saying that right?

Michael – (Jumps up from his seat, slams his pen) AHHHHHH! Dammit Phyllis, you idiot, it’s Mo-Rees! Not Morris Jones. God I wanted MJ so bad. How can you take him from me? You don’t even know how to say his name!

Dwight – That’s preposterous Michael, you have the 9^th pick. No chance he would fall to you.

Michael- Whatever, (gathers himself) I don’t need him.  He has a triple name. Guys with triple names always end up fantasy busts. John David Booty. Ben Gay Roethlisberger.

Oscar – Really Michael? You’re serious?

Jim- Booty was never hyped in the NFL, can’t be a bust.

Michael – (counting off on his fingers) And then there’s Antonio Rodgers-Cromartie, That Stephens-Howling guy, Sean William Scott…

(Jim shakes his head at the camera and smiles in disbelief)

Andy – Sean Wil…The Stif-meister?! Ye-heh-hess! American Pie! Love it, love me some Stifler. Stevie Stiffs!! SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL!

Andy Talking Head

The first time I saw AP1… Let’s see, I was dating Cathy Urban. Urban the Virgin they called her. Well not after I was done with her if ya know what I mean? (Laughs creepily) Well not really, nothing actually happened, but you know what I did after I saw the movie with her? Exactly, I went home and tried the pie thing. Let me just say, a really bad move for the ‘Nard Dog. First of all, wait till that thing cools. I burnt the “you know what” out of my “you know what.” And second, it’s a whole lot more clean-up than you’d think. And third, DO NOT try to explain what happened to it when you serve it.

A few rounds have passed. Everyone in the conference room is growing noticeably bored.

Jim – Stanley, you’re on the clock buddy.

Stanley – Ok, I guess ill take…

Michael – Stanley before you pick would consider trading down? I will give my next two picks, and free coffee for a week.

Stanley – I would never! I’m only here to collect my overtime like you promised me so Toby wouldn’t be in the league. I pick Anquan Boldin.

Dwight – Wait, Michael is this true? You’re paying Stanley time and a half to be here right now? Did Corporate mandate this? You know that’s against company policy, Michael. As Assistant to the Regional Manager, I advise you take him off the clock immediately or I will be forced to go above you and call David Wallace… Or else you pay all of us.

Michael – No, Dwight, stop, that is ridiculous. I’m not paying anyone. Stanley is just mad that I took a black player with my last pick and now he can’t have all of them.

Stanley – Are you out of your damn mind? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. That is enough, I am walking out of here Michael and DO NOT try an’ stop me!

Micheal – Stanley no.. you can’t just.. Stanley!

(Stanley walks out)

Pam – Great. Thank you Michael. Now you’ve ruined the whole draft for everyone.

Andy – No no. No no no no no. Lads and lassies, have no fear. I can handle this, Noooo problem-o! I, the rightful owner of the “Andy Bernard Berrians” will step up to the challenge and take on the added task of picking for Stanley’s team. (Winks across the room at Angela) I am quite the multi-tasker.

Andy Talking Head

During our Spring Fling Concert senior year at Cornell, our tenor came down with a bad case of laryngitis two days before the performance. So, guess who came to the rescue to sing, not one, but two parts that show? (Nods head) That’s right, this guy did. (Points to self) Check this out. (Singing) Tooonii- ight I’m gonna have mysellllff a real good time.. (now sung in falsetto, making hand gestures as he moves up the scale), I feel ali- hi – hi – hiiivvvve!!

Michael – Fine Andy, go ahead, pick for him. Who’d he say he wanted again? Whatever just give him Welker, or Anthony Gonzalez.

Dwight – Absolutely not Michael. No one will be drafting for Stanley. That would be a conflict of interest. If Andy drafts for Stanley, I hereby officially declare my resignation from the league and request a full refund of my league fees.

Everyone appears confused

Kevin – League fees? What league fees are you talking about? I thought this was a fun league? Did anyone else have to pay?

Everyone either mumbles “no” or shakes their head, except Creed, who nods at the camera

Creed Talking Head

I paid Michael… in counterfeit bills. I mixed in a handful of authentic bills with a bunch that I scanned on my Documate 510. I simply printed them on our linen stationary for proper texture and rubbed ‘em together with real money so they’d look and smell legit. (Smells a fake dollar) Trust me they never know. How do you think I scored this? (Holds up a Rolex)

Dwight – (Astonished) No one else paid? Michael is this true? Michael, you told me the league fee was $500 dollars and you even made me pay $400 of it up front, and you said you knew I’d be good for the rest!

Michael – Dwight, relax, I was gonna give you the money back to you. Probably as a Christmas present or something, ok? But now, you’ve ruined the surprise.

Dwight – Michael you know that I do not believe in exchanging Christmas presents with co-workers. Only friends and family are worthy of my generosity. Where is my money?

Michael begins to pace

Dwight cont’d – (Growing frustrated) Michael?

Michael – Ok fine, Dwight… I need… I needed to make one last easy payment on my new home gym, which, Dwight, you’d be surprised at how effective 20 minutes a day on the Bowflex can…

Dwight – Michael! if you do not hand me my money immediately, I am quitting this league.

Silence

Michael – Well, I can’t do that Dwight. Unfortunately, it’s just not my call. The Michael Scott Fantasy Football League rules clearly state that league entrance fees are non-refundable.

Dwight Storms out

Scene 3: Game Over

Cut to parking lot. Everyone is leaving

Jim – Well I guess we still have a week or so to get another league started.

Pam – We could do our own two person league.

Jim – I don’t know Beasley. I don’t know how great I’d feel about beating you every single

week. I think you’d move out.

Pam – Please, I don’t think you could stand losing to me again after bowling on Saturday.

Jim – (Laughing) You made me use the 6 pound pink ball.

Cut to other side of parking lot

Oscar – Andy you wanna try to get the rest of us together and get the draft going again next week?

Andy – No thanks Amigo, I think this ended up being a blessing in disguise. Last year I was kicked out of 3 bars for taking my fantasy frustrations a little too far. I threw a chair at a woman wearing a Chiefs jersey when Brady shredded the ol’ ACL. I think a year off is probably a good thing for me.

Cut to Michael staring out his office window. He begins a voice over as the screen cuts back and forth between the parking lot, Dwight’s drive home, and the empty conference room.

At what point does a friendly activity no longer become friendly? When does a great idea become a reality, and when does it fail? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I did learn something today. And not just that Stanley is prejudice. I learned that sometimes no matter how hard you work to try to bring friends together, in something as enjoyable as a game of fantasy football, great ideas from great minds, they just don’t always pan out.  I’ve sadly come to accept the reality that our football league this season, might just be a fantasy after all. And also that Dwight is cheap.