Everything You Need to Know About the 2010 NFL Probowl

Country music sweetheart Taylor Swift bagged her first of many Grammy Awards while Sasha Fierce and Lady Gaga cleaned up the rest.

Also, there was a football event in sunny Miami on Sunday for any decent player that didn’t have a fake injury or a super bowl/model to attend to. One of the conferences, National? Maybe American? Ended up winning by scoring more points. That team will now advance to nowhere.

Next years game could be even more important, or less.

Notably, a special Cincinnati Bengals player, who was finally invited to the event as an alternate, alternate, wide receiver, decided he wanted kick field goals during the game because he used to play soccer. The deserving few players that made the team as real kickers were relieved to know that there would be nothing for them to do.

This selfless, revolutionary idea has paved the way for any player to try any position he’d like as long as he played it in high school, Pop Warner, or in a video game once. In addition, players might even be able to switch teams in the middle of the game next year, or even right in the middle of a play.

Also, David Garrard was on a team.

Kurt Warner’s 10 Best Career Moments

Sure it’s just your typical get cut by an NFL team, join an arena team, play a year in Europe, stock grocery shelves, latch on as an NFL backup, get thrust into the starting role via injury, win a Super Bowl, 2 MVPs, and build a Hall of Fame career story, but Kurt’s final farewell at least deserves some recognition. Here’s is a video of his top 10 NFL moments from the NFL Network.

32 NFL Wide Receivers and Their American Idol Audition Songs

The NFL Divas were kicking off their cleats and breaking out their pipes over the weekend in front of America’s favorite referees. One receiver from each team was selected to try his luck at an American Idol audition. Below is a list of the songs each player sang and a quick recap of the judges responses. You never know, but one of them might just be the next Kelly or Carrie, or even Adam or Clay or Justin Guarini!

1. Larry Fitzgerald – Nobody Does it Better (Carly Simon) He nailed it. The judges we’re throwing him complements left and right and he caught all of them.

2. Donnie Avery – Hello, Goodbye (The Beatles) Avery nailed the first verse, then hurt himself attempting a dance move and never recovered.

3. Michael Crabtree – Pay me My Money Down (Bruce Springsteen) Crabtree wouldn’t sing right away. He tried to work a deal with Randy to send him through based on a video from his college a cappella group. 2 hours later, he sang, impressed the judges, and made it through anyway.

4. T.J. Houshmandzadeh – Fool in the Rain (Led Zeppelin) “Thank you for trying,” is all Simon had to say. Seacrest liked his neon green shoes.

5. Roddy White - Pretty Fly for a White Guy (The Offspring) – They loved his obvious talent and style, but they asked him to sing one more to showcase his range. He sang I Need You (America), nailed it, and hugged Matt Ryan in the lobby when he made it through.

6. Steve Smith (Car) – Crazy on you (Heart) Steve brought a guitar and rocked out Nancy Wilson’s siiiick intro.  Randy Loved it Dawg.  Simon said it felt forced and he wouldn’t let him through, so Steve went bat sh*t crazy on him and jacked him right in the v-neck.

7. Marques Colston – Don’t Pass Me By (The Beatles) He sang well, showed range, and really looked the part. But for whatever reason, the judges were skeptical. They let him through on raw ability, said he could be a dark horse.

8. Antonio Bryant – 15 minutes (The Strokes) He looked the part and sounded good for a few seconds, then his voice gave out.

9. Johnny Knox – The Best of What’s Around (Dave Matthews Band) Simon said no, but Kara and Randy thought he was good enough so they let him through. He then sprinted to Hollywood in 4.2 seconds.

10. Calvin Johnson – Help! (The Beatles) He nailed it. Best one of the day they said. Off camera, Calvin was seen begging the Idol staffers to find him a job or a straight up trade for Randy. Said he’d do it right now, no questions asked, wouldn’t even have to fly back to Detroit.

11. Donald Driver – Keep on Keeping On (Curtis Mayfield) Good vocals, but “too vanilla,” said the judges. Not flashy enough for this type of competition.

12. Sidney Rice – I Owe It All to You (Barry White) Sid kept thanking the man upstairs for letting him be here today, which later turned out to be Favre in the 4th floor waiting room.

13. Miles Austin – Zero to Hero (From Disney’s Hercules) The judges were skeptical about a Disney Song, but Austin crushed it. Then he just kept singing more Disney Songs: Under the Sea, A Whole New World, Can you feel the Love Tonight? And they could definitely feel it. The judges loved him and they put him through. Roy Williams was secretly mad.

14. Steve Smith (NYG) – The Other One (Grateful Dead) They thought he already sang earlier.

15. DeSean Jackson – Gimme Three Steps (Lynard Skynard) DeSean changed the words to gimme thirteen steps or you gonna get F@#$!! torched, which Randy loved dawg. He said “Do your thing dawg.” DeSean sang it beautifully right up until the end and then, yep you guessed it, he spazzed out on the high note and hurled himself into wall and failed to score his ticket to Hollywood.

16. Santana Moss – Reminiscing – (Little River Band)  Judges said he sang it way too fast. He swore he just had a bad day and said he used to be good. No Dice.

17. Brandon Marshall – You Cant Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones)  Marshall wanted to be on So You Think You Can Dance, not Idol, so he wouldn’t even sing his song, he just hummed it. Then he took off his shoe and punted it. Then he walked out. He doesn’t know or care if he made it or not.

18. Dwayne Bowe – Physical (Olivia Newton-John) – Bowe was pounding Red Bulls and NO-Xplod to get pumped up for his big moment. Then he got caught lip-synching.

19. Darrius Heyward-Bey – Hands (Are Small I know) (Jewel) Darrius was pitchy. He had no rhythm, no style, and no soul. He really dropped the ball here, but apparently, the judges loved his speedy upbeat tempo and they let him through on potential.

20. Vincent Jackson – Bigger than My Body (John Mayer) The judges concluded that his voice was just average and definitely not bigger than his body. Rivers offered to sing a duet with him next year to help his chances.

21. Andre Johnson – The Sound of Silence (Simon and Garfunkel) The judges thought he nailed it, but they wanted him to really showcase his talent. They suggested You’re the Best Around (Joe Esposito) instead. Andre sang it perfect, did a crane kick, and scored a ticket to Hollywood. Simon said AJ could win the whole competition.

22. Mike Sims-Walker – Feel Like Makin’ Love (Bad Company) Sims-walker missed his audition.

23. Reggie Wayne – It’s My Turn (Diana Ross) Marvin Harrison followed Wayne to the stage to sing the harmony, but Reggie told him not to worry this time. He sang it solo, killed it, and won his ticket to Hollywood. Harrison nodded at Simon and said, “Good thing you put him through, Cowell,” then patted the gun shaped object he had concealed in his pocket.

24. Kenny Britt – You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet – (BTO) The judges agreed. Good vocals and looked the part. They sent him through.

25. Derrick Mason – Running on Empty (Jackson Browne) Mason didn’t want to be there but his friends and family begged him to stick it out. He was good, not great. He may or may not try again next year.

26. Chad Ochocinco - I want you to want me (Cheap Trick) Chad showed up in a banana costume and sang the Cheap Trick classic into a T-Pain voice synthesizer app on an iPhone. He also brought an OCNN camera crew and the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra to accompany him while broadcasting the whole performance live on U-Stream. Then he challenged Randy to a bass competition and raced another horse.

27. Josh Cribbs - Take it to the House (Trick Daddy) The judges loved it, but they wanted to see if he could handle another song. They suggested Pay the Man. (The Offspring)

28. Hines Ward - I can’t stop Smiling (Velocity Girl) Hines was excellent. He nailed his song and the judges put him through. Then he threw a crackback block on Seacrest and walked out smiling.

29. Terrell Owens – I’m the World’s greatest (R. Kelly) He dropped the rhythm a few times but sang it well overall. Randy said he liked it because he felt like he meant what he was singing, but Simon didn’t, so T.O. sat down and cried and pleaded his case while he knocked out a few crunches.

30. Teddy Ginn Jr. – Livin’ on a Prayer (Bon Jovi) Ginn was terrible. No one was sure who even picked him to audition. Davone Bess, Greg Camarillo, or even Brady Quinn would have been a better choice.

31. Randy Moss - Sometimes (I Run, Sometimes I Hide) (Britney Spears) He crushed it, then turned down his ticket to Hollywood, then hustled out of the room, then walked to the elevator.

32. Braylon Edwards – Do You Really Want To Hurt Me (Culture Club) “Yes,” replied both Simon and surprise guest judge Lebron James. Soon after, Braylon attacked Simon’s 5′6 130 pound “kid” friend Ryan Seacrest after telling him he couldn’t sing and punched him in the mouth. Sources say Braylon was growing jealous of Simon’s grip on the reality TV industry or something. Lebron then told him he’d see him in NYC next year.

Favre’s Last Throw Ever is an Interception

Is this the end of the road for the NFL’s Iron man? Apparently so. FOX Sports’ Jay Glazer is reporting that “every player” in the Vikings’ locker room believes that this was Brett’s last game.

After the physical and emotional beating he took on Sunday, it’s understandable, but it’s hard to see him walking away once the dust settles. He’s still playing at an elite level, he has 12 million on the table, and most importantly, the Vikes are still loaded. We probably won’t know what he’s thinking until training camp breaks, but if it this really is the end, here’s a look at the first ballot Hall of Famer’s final heave. A costly completion to Tracy Porter.

Peyton Goes Off On Saturday’s Too

Even the most calm and collected player in the world loses his cool once in awhile. You may or may not have already seen this clip from a Monday night game against the Rams, but it’s worth seeing 2 to 3 to 10 more times. When Pro Bowl center Jeff Saturday suggests the Colts run the ball after three failed pass plays result in a field goal, Peyton goes insane. Check it out. “It’s better than Desperate Housewives,” says Manning. I agree, It is better than Housewives… But not Grey’s. I’d go McDreamy, Peyton rant, Wysteria Lane.

10 Ways the Jets Can Beat the Colts in the AFC Championship

They don’t need Brett Favre or Broadway Joe, or even Kyle Clifton. And they definitely don’t need The Sanchize to play a perfect game. What they need is a little luck, or a team to rest their starters, or any of the following scenarios to play out. Brace yourselves NYC, but your Jets might just be Super Bowl bound if…

1. They clone Darrelle Revis, then double cover Wayne and Clark each with Revis and Revis, and Revis and Revis.

2. A massive blizzard hits the Midwest and turns the game into a battle of the trenches, and Indianapolis decides against putting a dome on Lucas Oil two years ago.

3. Revis sails in Natives from his island and has them take out Manning with blow darts.

4. Commissioner Goodell takes the concussion issue to another level and cancels the rest of the season until a safer helmet is designed. The NFL turns to Madden ‘10 simulations to finish the year. Peyton suffers a knee injury in the 2nd quarter in the AFC Championship and they fall 17-10. Some guy gets real mad and tries to reset the game real quick because he says meant to turn down the injuries, but he’s shot down immediately, then mauled and eaten by Bart Scott.

5. Peyton retires and joins Dooley’s staff in Knoxville as their new quarterback’s coach.

6. The NFL allows the Jets to add any Giants player to their roster for having to share facilities all year. Or would that even help? ..And Peyton separates his shoulder. There, that would.

7. Rex Ryan reveals that he is actually Rudy Ruettiger and wills his team to another victory with determination, heart, funny behind the scenes stories about Vince Vaughn, and a whole lot of tears. Like gallons of them. And Manning goes down with a concussion.

8. Braylon loses an arm in a rematch brawl with Lebron’s 130 pound “kid” friend at the 40/40 club in NYC, thus making every pass thrown his way in Sunday’s game a difficult one… Meaning he’ll catch all of them. 14 one handed catches and 4 TD for Braylon. Jets Win.

9. TMZ reports that Manning ran his Escalade into a mailbox at 2 AM Sunday morning and that his wife is launching footballs through the back window trying to rescue him. A fuzzy voicemail sounding like Peyton’s voice asking Justin Timberlake to change his number is released all over the internet. Rumors linking him to Nick Lachey, Nick Carter, and even the talented Aaron Carter begin to surface. Peyton takes an indefinite leave from the game.

10. Peyton is contractually obligated to star in a commercial that happens to shoot the same time the game kicks off. It’s a great opportunity for him though, and this time Sony has him playing bumper pool on stage with J.C. Chasez. It’s so funny.

If Football Jargon was Nightlife Lingo: From A to Z

If your night life activity was broken down into Football terminology, here’s how it might look from A to Z.

A – Alligator Arms – You make a perfect pass. You’re confident and charming. You even use your can’t miss, “Can I buy you a drink so I look better”  line, but shes not reaching out. No interest here. Move on.

B – Bump and Run -  Eh, This is rather self-explanatory. Maybe just text her a few times during the week so you don’t seem that awful. Make a bad callback joke about something funny you two talked about that night.

C – Check Down – Pass on the best looking girl in the group. She’s well covered already. Go after one of her friends. She’ll feel good about being pursued in front of her hotter friend, and you’ll have a much better chance of completing the play with this one. Just make sure you have a fake emergency phone call lined up for the morning.

D – Down Hill Runner - The eye on the prize, no nonsense, straight forward approach. ” Hi, My name is Mike. You’re exceptionally beautiful. We would make attractive children. I’m pretty sure I like you, and I can tell you like me, a lot. I saw you looking at me earlier. I bet your job is really interesting, and I’d like to find out over breakfast tomorrow. Why don’t we get out of here and head back to my place for the night. Here, help me finish my drink. I really love that color on you. This could only be more perfect if Spandau Ballet’s True was playing right now. You’re eyes are green..and your lips are so voluptuo…” Bam. Knee’d in the groin..

E – Eligible receiver – There needs to be a cutoff. 7 and up is a bit ambitious, but don’t just settle for anyone, like Greg. Greg hits on the first girl he sees. Doesn’t matter to him. Long as she has a pulse, really. “Hi I’m Greg. Can you breath? Great. Two vodka sodas please.

F – Fair Catch – Everybody is eying the same girl, but your buddy Jim already planted the seed at the upstairs bar. Can’t hit on her this time around, she’s been marked. No worries though, You’ll get her another night because Jim hasn’t closed in.. ever.

G – Gunslinger – The guy who has no shame and something to say every girl. “Love your dress /I like your hair, is that crimped? / Sweet Burberry scarf / Nice sunglasses, it’s pretty bright in here / What are you drinking? / Have you seen Avatar? / Have you seen Avatar in 3D? My buddy is having a party late night / How great is Modern Family? / Are you a natural blond? / Your friend is hot.

H – Huddle – Quick meet up in the back bar. What’s the word? Should we stay? Got any numbers? Any prospects even? “Yes,” says Ryan. I doubt it, but, whatever.. Everyone, get your hands in.. 1, 2, 3, Pants on the ground.

I -Interference – John’s moved in on a group of girls. You can overhear his conversation.  “Yea, I spend a couple hours at the gym everyday..I mean I just don’t see how anyone could be overweight really. My body is kind of like a temple you know?…Nice one John. Time to interfere and save any ounce of a chance anyone had with this bachelorette party.

J – Jam - Don’t be lookin like a fool with your hat turned sideways. Get out there and dance to amazing music from Gaga, Ke$ha, Rhianna, Miley, and Larry Platt.

K – Kickoff – Pregame party at your place. Take Kamachatka shots to the face. Get buzzed now, save money later. Play a mean game of Kings with the guys. Someone brings up the category NL shortstops.  Bill’s turn, “Uh, I dont know, uh, Ken Griffey Jr? I don’t know, I hate when you guys do sports stuff.” Make him finish his beer, then kick him out. Not out of the game, out of the house.

L – Linebacker – It’s the girl in the corner who just ordered another basket of Mozzarella sticks right before the kitchen closed. Better to stay away, unless, you know, it’s been awhile.

M – Mr. Irrelevant – The guy who is talking to the girl you want to talk to. If she looks uncomfortable, get in there and play the “I’m acting like I know you and I’m gonna save you” card. Say something ridiculous like, “Hey crazy, everyone is looking for you upstairs! Get back up here with all of us.” Then she’ll walk away with you and talk about how great it was that you saved her from that creep and she’ll make out with you in the the stairwell and dance with you for hours and follow you back to your house that night. Or not. Probably none of those things will happen.

N – Nickel Back – When a sweet Nickelback song comes on and Chad Kroeger’s sexy raspy voice starts rocking, you can’t help but take a moment and think to yourself, this is the worst band ever.

O – Offsides - It’s easy to flirt with your friend’s girlfriend. You’re only on a playful level with her. No expectations, just an open door to be the cool, fun friend. Don’t do it. Or at least keep it to a minimum. Or fine, do it and then be let down when she falls for you and then breaks up with you for another one of your friends she was flirting with who was just as funny and care free as you once were. Now your enemies with all your friends and she’s trying to get back with.. yea, don’t do it.

P – Pitch/Lateral – Your pathetic buddy doesn’t have the stones to talk to the cute girl across the room so he makes you do his dirty work while he waits by the bar and puts out the vibe. Ok fine then, you’ll go talk to her. “Um, hi there. My friend over there at the bar thinks your really attractive. He’s a pretty cool guy, and uh, he doesn’t have a job.” Or however it comes out. Then secretly meet her out on the slopes in a little place called Assspen.

Q – Quarters -  A faced paced drinking game you can ruin your uncoordinated friend with before the night even starts. “Ohh man how unfortunate, it’s Jake once again!”

R – Rollout – You just bought a shot for a girl who’s boyfriend was actually in bathroom. He’s the jealous type, he comes back and puts his arm around her and asks if he can help you. Eh, no, I’m good. Nice Affliction T-Shirt though. He takes your Washington Apple. Damn. Time to Rollout.

S – Sack - Lay on the pick up line. Tell her you play guitar and volunteer when your not investment banking. Tell her about your sick new black light and lava lamp. Then bring her back to the sack. This is where the magic happens, once every 14 months or so.

T - Turnover - She’s eating you up. She’s digs your Jersey Shore knowledge, she loves that you just finished The Prisoner of Azkaban. Then you make a great Palin joke only to find out she’s a hard core Right Winger. She calls you sexist. She suddenly has to use the bathroom. Turnover.

U – Unnecessary Roughness - Sean’s had a few too many. Once again he starts arguing that Pittsburgh is the best sports town, unprovoked. Red Wing fan disagrees. Sean gets passionate and pushy. Other guy pushes back. Gloves are off, fists fly. Hell yea! The Rolling Stones. Street Fighting Man. G -7!… “If you like Pina Coladas…”

V – Victory Monday. A Sunday Funday is turning into a Sunday night blowout. But you met someone and it’s progressing well. You’re definitely taking a personal day tomorrow. A Victory Monday. The night goes well but unfortunately you forget the girls name in the morning. Oddly, you find that it’s tattoo-ed on her lower back… Angel is not as attractive as you remembered.

W – Winning Percentage – It’s about .043% for the group as a whole. Pret-ty awful. And that’s counting Cinnamon the one legged stripper that Bri…You know what? I promised him I wouldn’t mention that.

X – XFL – Ex For Life. She won’t give up. She’s even seen you with another girl. This girl is crazy. Tell her your gay, asexual, not human, whatever it takes, but she has to know that “He Hate Me” isn’t just a funny nickname.

Y – YAC – 12 shots of Jameson + 8 MGDs + 1 Guinness + 3 Steak tacos

Z – Zebra – Someones gotta officiate the night. Whether you’re the DD or you’re just there to pull Sean away from a fight, someone has to wear the whistle and the stripes… Not it.

Top 5 Fantasy Football Underachievers: 2009

You know them all too well. You know, the guys that cost you all kinds of heartache, cash money, and likely your voice (due to excessive cursing at the top of your lungs). I know them too. For the first time in years, I didn’t play for a fantasy championship thanks to the following future foes and former faves. I settled for a few money-back thirds and a few did not place finishes to put me in the red for this fall’s fantasy season. The following five were anything but fabulous for me and I’ll probably stay far, far away next August.

Check out the Top 5 Overachievers

1. Steve Slaton

Slaton was all the rage coming into the season. He seemed sure for sizzle but ended in a fizzle. Slaton averaged 3.3 yards a carry, lost 5 fumbles, and eventually his job. He left us scrambling for Arian Foster, Ryan Moats, and Chris Brown. Yuck! Steve was finally put out of his misery with a season ending shoulder injury. Maybe he makes a comeback next year, fine, but he won’t be on my team.

2. Matt Forte

A consensus top 5 back coming off a breakout rookie season. This guy took sophmore slump to a whole new level. After 1700+ total yards and 12 Tds, everyone hitched their horse to the Forte wagon. Well they got burned. Matt averaged just 3.6 yards per carry, totaled just 4 Tds, and lost 3 fumbles along the way. Sure, Lovie Smith is a moron, Cutler can’t figure out who to throw to, and the line doesn’t know to block. Lots of finger pointing to be done, but that doesn’t win you any money.

3. Terrell Owens

Entering 2009, TO and the Bills had high hopes of a passing game that actually existed. With the exception of 9 catch, 197 yard outburst against the Jags so-called secondary, TO was a shell of his former self. It wasn’t just the uncalled for drops, Terrell could not get open, and the pitiful Bills Quarterbacks failed to get him the ball. Against the Saints, TO did not catch a single pass!

4. Dwayne Bowe

Bowe emerged as one of the top young wideouts with a standout performance in ‘08. Bowe was being drafted among the top 10 receivers entering the year, but the season spiraled out of control after a decent start. Dwayne scored in 4 of the first 6 games, but didn’t find the endzone thereafter. His drug suspension and a minor injury limited him to 11 games played and he never established a good rapport with coach Todd Haley or QB Matt Cassel. Even fan the fan inspiration heard here couldn’t lift Dwayne to higher heights.

5. Brandon Jacobs

Beastly Brandon Jacobs became of one of my favorite players by running over tacklers with reckless abandon. When Derek Ward skipped out of town, it seemed like Jacobs would get the bulk of the carries and run wild. That surely didn’t happen as the big fella was held to 3.7 yards per carry after averaging 5 a season ago. Jacobs scored just four times and never broke the 100 yard barrier. Ahmad Bradshaw seemed to be the go-to guy for Giants scores and again, that didn’t help the fantasy owner. Brandon got hurt in week 16 and didn’t suit up to close the season. Hits like this certainly took their toll on the former warrior.

Top 5 Fantasy Football Overacheivers: 2009

Every Year Fantasy Football brings us countless amounts of excitement as we are drafting “The Perfect Team”, or in my case, 6 of them. We review our stat sheets, buy any fantasy football magazine our pocket books will allow after we’ve spent hundreds on league entry fees, and we concoct the perfect strategy to topple the competition once again. Sure, it’s easy to know that Peyton Manning and Adrian Peterson are sure things at the top of the draft, but the key to winning many leagues is finding the hidden gems in the later rounds or on the early season waiver wire. Here is a list of the top players who came virtually out of nowhere to win your fantasy football league.

1. Miles Austin

The virtual unkown at the start of the season had a coming out party in Week 5 exploding for 250 yards and 2 scores. Austin ran for miles and miles on his was to being the #4 fantasy receiver in all of football. It was plays like this that skyrocketed him up the yahoo rankings. Austin started the year #140  overall and finished a staggering #24, moving up the charts 116 spots ahead of expectation, and few more spots in my heart as he helped me overcome a draft of Chris Cooley, Carson Palmer/Matt Ryan, and Steve Smith (Panthers) to finish first.

2. Brett Favre

The ageless wonder does it again. I’ve come to realize that until Favre is wearing Wranglers in Mississippi on the first Sunday of an NFL football season he is never actually retired. Consequently, I will continue to include him on any cheat sheet that I make for a fantasy football draft. That being said, not even God himself could have convinced me that Brett would have been a legit MVP candidate this year. Favre to me this year would have been a questionable QB2 at best, not a Top 10 overall player. He outperformed the likes of Brady, Rivers, and Romo, while turning Sidney Rice into a Pro Bowler. Plays like this helped you win your championship, and Brett Favre at age 40, made them all year long.

3. Vernon Davis

My what a difference a year makes for Vernon Davis. Formerly known as an instigator in the famous mooning seen round the world, Davis went from dog house to penthouse in the eyes of Head Coach Singletary, and from fantasy forgotten to fantasy savior in the eyes of his fantasy GM’s.  After 2 years of high expectations and low results Davis was dropped into the depths of TE waiver fodder. Four months later, Davis is a team captain and Fantasy TE MVP. Davis tied a record for TD’s in a season (13) by a TE and finished just shy of 1000 yards receiving on a run first Niners team. Check out the link which perfectly chronicles Vernon’s 137 spot jump up the player rankings and making him a must draft player for years to come.

4. Ray Rice

Last year Ray Rice was a highly touted rookie who ended up the third cog in a three headed monster Ravens rushing attack that finished 4^th in the NFL. Expectations were greatly tempered for the second year player who was still behind McGahee and McClain on the depth chart and neither of them were showing any signs of slowing down soon.  Rice was dropped into the ranks of flex player at best. If you drafted Rice as your flex I’m guessing your wallet got a little fatter after Week 17. Ray gained over 2000 total yards from scrimmage and as an added bonus in PPR leagues threw in an amazing 78 catches, vaulting him permanently ahead of McGahee and making McClain a forgetable fanatasy fullback. Sitback and watch Ray Ray do his dirty work here…nuff said!

5. Jamaal Charles

Bye bye Larry Johnson, Hello Jamaal Charles. That was all it took for J.C. to realize his role as a Fantasy Beast. That and a Kolby Smith injury. Pre-ranked in most fantasy circles outside of the Top 50 fantasy RB’s, Charles went undrafted an unowned for nearly half the season…what happened from Week 10 on was a truly Herculian effort. Here a small sample of how Jamaal Charles became the #1 Fantasy player not named Chris Johnson over the last 8 weeks of the season, and why he will be a keeper in FF football for years to come. Message from Kansas City to Todd Haley found here, but here’s looking at next year.

Honorable Mention – Sidney Rice, Jermichael Finley, Jerome Harrison, Steve Smith (Giants), Cadillac Williams, Cedric Benson and Bengals D.

Fantasy Football Off-Season Guide: How to Spend Your Suddenly Free Sundays

Season’s done. Over before it started. What do you do with your Sundays now? No more waiver wire pickups, no more sitting LT certain weeks and feeling bad about it, no more bad 3 for 1 trade offers headed your way. Season’s over..For now. But while you wait for the winter to pass, and the NFL draft,  and Lebron’s #6 Knicks jersey, and a Yankees/Phillies rematch, there are some things you can do to keep in your mind in football shape. Yes, the off-season is important for restoring things you’ve neglected, such as your girlfriend, your marriage, home maintenance, and general hygiene. But staying fantasy fresh is equally important. Below is a practical off-season program I’ve concocted that will certainly help to blend the two. I can’t promise you’ll keep the girl, but I can assure you’ll be ready for you fantasy draft. And that’s what’s important here: Fake football leagues.

Fantasy Football Off-Season Schedule:

Jan 17 – Round up the final outstanding league fees from the three owners who still haven’t forked it over. When your buddy who finished in third says, “Aren’t we cool? I finished in third place, so I just get my money back, right?” Tell him that if he ever wants to play in your league again, he’ll send you $100 tomorrow, and you’ll pay him his third place winnings when its convenient for you, like say, August. If he laughs you off, drive over to his house and punch him in the face in front of his girlfriend and their new cat Buttons.

Jan 31 – Pay half your rent with your winnings. Buy your girlfriend something nice for putting up with you all season. A 6-pack will do. A case if your generous. Get her something sophisticated too, like Rolling Rock. Also watch the Pro-bowl, and tell people that you knew that both Ray and Sidney would be there all the way back in August. Make fried rice to celebrate.

Feb 7 – The Super Bowl! Your final farewell to a fantastic year. Friends, beer, commercials, The Who, Tostito’s with a  Hint of Lime, Tom’s stupid cat, Buttons. Why is this party at his house anyway? He has a 27″ Zenith. F@#%!

Feb 14 – First Sunday with no football in a long time. Your girlfriend/wife knows it. You finally agree to see New Moon with her if she promises not to tell anyone. You somehow join Team Jacob.

Feb 21 – If you’re in a keeper league. Make a quick list of the players you want to keep on the “Beer View Mirrors” squad next September. No, not Thomas Jones. File away last years cheat sheets and fantasy books. They’re helpful/entertaining reference materials for next season’s rankings…(Morning of August 8: “Ahhh yes, that guy, Stevie Slaton. Good ol’ first round pick Steve Slaton. Thanks for the memories you @#$!@#$!@#$$%^ waste of …”

Feb 28 - NFL Free agency began yesterday. Keep up with any big name skill player jumping ship. Make notes for players who could step up in their spot. TO could be back in San Fran. Lee Evans types could resurface. Then use that Olive Garden gift card from your stocking on your lady tonight.

Mar 7 -  MTV Spring Break in Panama City with the guys!! ..and John’s freakin’ girlfriend. Come on Sarah! He went and saw Leap Year with you for godsakes, take off the leash. Thankfully they go out alone one night and you meet up with some wild and crazy girls from UT who happen to know Nick Cannon who’s throwin a killer party where he’s doing a side-splitting comedy bit. And Charles Rogers is there for some reason blazed out of his mind. And then you take body shots off of Bam Margera’s mom. College!!!!!!!! MTV Jams!!!

Mar 21 – Fantasy Baseball Draft. Take Lincecum. Win.

Mar 28 – Start a new season on one of your old Maddens. Update rosters. Make Chris Johnson 99 in everything.

April 11 – Take your significant other for a romantic brunch. When she invites you to the Lady Gaga concert with the girls on Thursday, tell her, “Aww babe, I love her style and everything, but I have to work late that night. Darn!” Then have poker night. Talk about the irony of Clausen potentially playing for Carroll.

April 18 – Favre Retires. His hearts not in it. Warner retires. Andre Johnson = clear cut No. 1 WR now.

April 25 – NFL draft! Get the fantasy blood flowing. Watch where the Rookie backs go. Spiller, Best, and Dwyer could be huge on the right team. Dez Bryant, Golden Tate, Regis Benn are intriguing wide outs. Pete Carroll just drafted Taylor Mays, Everson Griffen, Damien Williams, and Joe Mcknight with his first 4 picks.

April 26, 1992 - There was a riot on the streets, tell me where were you.

May 9 – Purchase the fourth and final TV for your Sunday Funday Den. Paint that giant San Diego lighting bolt on the wall you’ve been thinking about. Go ahead. They just won the Super Bowl man. Move that Gates fat head to the other side of the room, it’s re-stickable.

May 25 – Have a couples game night. She’ll appreciate you for this. Play Cranium. Guys vs girls. Use inside information to your advantage. When the question calls for a blind drawing and your word is “scapegoat,” draw Shayne Graham.

June 6 – Spring/Summer cleaning. Needs to be done. When you get to the closet. Hide your Rashaan Salaam jersey, the one you duct taped “Vasher” on the back of. She’s wants that raggedy POS outta here Fight it. Don’t let it go.  But definitely toss that stupid Duke sweatshirt she always wears from her lawyer ex-boyfriend. F that guy. Bet he didn’t have Ray Rice on all three of his teams.

June 13 – Throw a BBQ. Then suggest a touch football game, or Wiffle Ball. Probably Wiffle Ball. You’ll get competitive over a close call and piss off your girl. She’ll leave with her friends. Then you’ll get stupid drunk with the guys and excitedly discuss that “see all the stadiums” road trip that you’ll never take.

June 27 – Send out the email! Time to get everyone in the league back on board. You demand that the money is due this year the day before week 1, or rosters will be locked. No one really believes you. They’re right.

July 4 – Fireworks and Fantasy Magazines. Grab one to refresh your memory about all the off season transactions and draft picks. Jamaal Charles first round? You bet.

July 11- NFL Training Camps kickoff. Track progress of rookies and free agents. Start building your own fantasy cheatsheets. Check out thepigskindoctors.com for preseason rankings. Then rank your own list of 30 QBs. What to do with Favre?

July 18 – Rank your top 50 receivers. Get Rice and Austin and Nicks up in there. Also build a fake sheet with terrible projections and “accidentally” email it to an opposing owner. Highlight Devin Hester and write “big year” next to his name.

July 25 - Rank 40-50 running backs. Talk up McFadden when your buddy asks who really like this year.

August 1 – Tight Ends, Kickers, and Defenses. Worth ranking 10 each. Slip in a movie night with girlfriend. Take her to Toy Story 3. You like Pixar movies anyway. Elastagirl..eh.. eh? know what I’m mean?? … No? I’m saying the cartoon superhero mom from The Incredibles was hot.

August 8 -  Mock Draft like crazy all week. If you know your league, you can get an idea of who they like. Mock accordingly. Also, always give the player that you hope falls to you, to a team ahead of you. Mocking in the “worst case scenario” style is the best way to prepare.

August 9 – Mini camps and two-a-days are over. Brett Favre’s heart is magically in it again. He unretires. Get him back in your rankings.

August 15 -Your fantasy draft is finally here! You didn’t sleep all night. Grab your cheat sheets, notes, magazines, and make a quick list of players you want to remember later in the draft. Kiss your girlfriend goodbye for 17 weeks.

August 22 – Fantasy draft #2!! You take Ray Rice at #2. Good pick. No one seems prepared as you are.

August 29 -  Fantasy draft 3!!. MJD falls to you at 5 somehow. Dude picked Aaron Rodgers at 4. Ehh.

September 5 -Fantasy draft 4!!! Last pick but you grab Jamaal Charles and Andre Johnson. Rock solid start.

September 7 -Fantasy League #5 auction draft! You get Marques Colston for $2 somehow! Draft goes 4 hours, people get restless, but you could do this all day. Hines Ward $1? Whaaaat?! Roethlisberger $3? Jackpot.

September 12 – NFL KICKOFF!!!!  It’s finally here! You’re so excited you can’t even stand it. You even forgot your girlfriend’s birthday yesterday. She yells at you, even slaps you. You don’t hear or feel much of it. She keeps running her mouth and finally drops an ultimatum on you. Football or her. You hesitate way too long, she walks out.

Unscathed, you flip on your TV’s and finalize your rosters. The guys are on their way over. You kick up your feet and crack one of the Rolling Rocks you found in the fridge. She hated that gift. Whatever. Fantasy football season is finally here.

And there’s always those UT chicks.

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