Fantasy Football Off-Season Guide: How to Spend Your Suddenly Free Sundays

Season’s done. Over before it started. What do you do with your Sundays now? No more waiver wire pickups, no more sitting LT certain weeks and feeling bad about it, no more bad 3 for 1 trade offers headed your way. Season’s over..For now. But while you wait for the winter to pass, and the NFL draft,  and Lebron’s #6 Knicks jersey, and a Yankees/Phillies rematch, there are some things you can do to keep in your mind in football shape. Yes, the off-season is important for restoring things you’ve neglected, such as your girlfriend, your marriage, home maintenance, and general hygiene. But staying fantasy fresh is equally important. Below is a practical off-season program I’ve concocted that will certainly help to blend the two. I can’t promise you’ll keep the girl, but I can assure you’ll be ready for you fantasy draft. And that’s what’s important here: Fake football leagues.

Fantasy Football Off-Season Schedule:

Jan 17 – Round up the final outstanding league fees from the three owners who still haven’t forked it over. When your buddy who finished in third says, “Aren’t we cool? I finished in third place, so I just get my money back, right?” Tell him that if he ever wants to play in your league again, he’ll send you $100 tomorrow, and you’ll pay him his third place winnings when its convenient for you, like say, August. If he laughs you off, drive over to his house and punch him in the face in front of his girlfriend and their new cat Buttons.

Jan 31 – Pay half your rent with your winnings. Buy your girlfriend something nice for putting up with you all season. A 6-pack will do. A case if your generous. Get her something sophisticated too, like Rolling Rock. Also watch the Pro-bowl, and tell people that you knew that both Ray and Sidney would be there all the way back in August. Make fried rice to celebrate.

Feb 7 – The Super Bowl! Your final farewell to a fantastic year. Friends, beer, commercials, The Who, Tostito’s with a  Hint of Lime, Tom’s stupid cat, Buttons. Why is this party at his house anyway? He has a 27″ Zenith. F@#%!

Feb 14 – First Sunday with no football in a long time. Your girlfriend/wife knows it. You finally agree to see New Moon with her if she promises not to tell anyone. You somehow join Team Jacob.

Feb 21 – If you’re in a keeper league. Make a quick list of the players you want to keep on the “Beer View Mirrors” squad next September. No, not Thomas Jones. File away last years cheat sheets and fantasy books. They’re helpful/entertaining reference materials for next season’s rankings…(Morning of August 8: “Ahhh yes, that guy, Stevie Slaton. Good ol’ first round pick Steve Slaton. Thanks for the memories you @#$!@#$!@#$$%^ waste of …”

Feb 28 - NFL Free agency began yesterday. Keep up with any big name skill player jumping ship. Make notes for players who could step up in their spot. TO could be back in San Fran. Lee Evans types could resurface. Then use that Olive Garden gift card from your stocking on your lady tonight.

Mar 7 -  MTV Spring Break in Panama City with the guys!! ..and John’s freakin’ girlfriend. Come on Sarah! He went and saw Leap Year with you for godsakes, take off the leash. Thankfully they go out alone one night and you meet up with some wild and crazy girls from UT who happen to know Nick Cannon who’s throwin a killer party where he’s doing a side-splitting comedy bit. And Charles Rogers is there for some reason blazed out of his mind. And then you take body shots off of Bam Margera’s mom. College!!!!!!!! MTV Jams!!!

Mar 21 – Fantasy Baseball Draft. Take Lincecum. Win.

Mar 28 – Start a new season on one of your old Maddens. Update rosters. Make Chris Johnson 99 in everything.

April 11 – Take your significant other for a romantic brunch. When she invites you to the Lady Gaga concert with the girls on Thursday, tell her, “Aww babe, I love her style and everything, but I have to work late that night. Darn!” Then have poker night. Talk about the irony of Clausen potentially playing for Carroll.

April 18 – Favre Retires. His hearts not in it. Warner retires. Andre Johnson = clear cut No. 1 WR now.

April 25 – NFL draft! Get the fantasy blood flowing. Watch where the Rookie backs go. Spiller, Best, and Dwyer could be huge on the right team. Dez Bryant, Golden Tate, Regis Benn are intriguing wide outs. Pete Carroll just drafted Taylor Mays, Everson Griffen, Damien Williams, and Joe Mcknight with his first 4 picks.

April 26, 1992 - There was a riot on the streets, tell me where were you.

May 9 – Purchase the fourth and final TV for your Sunday Funday Den. Paint that giant San Diego lighting bolt on the wall you’ve been thinking about. Go ahead. They just won the Super Bowl man. Move that Gates fat head to the other side of the room, it’s re-stickable.

May 25 – Have a couples game night. She’ll appreciate you for this. Play Cranium. Guys vs girls. Use inside information to your advantage. When the question calls for a blind drawing and your word is “scapegoat,” draw Shayne Graham.

June 6 – Spring/Summer cleaning. Needs to be done. When you get to the closet. Hide your Rashaan Salaam jersey, the one you duct taped “Vasher” on the back of. She’s wants that raggedy POS outta here Fight it. Don’t let it go.  But definitely toss that stupid Duke sweatshirt she always wears from her lawyer ex-boyfriend. F that guy. Bet he didn’t have Ray Rice on all three of his teams.

June 13 – Throw a BBQ. Then suggest a touch football game, or Wiffle Ball. Probably Wiffle Ball. You’ll get competitive over a close call and piss off your girl. She’ll leave with her friends. Then you’ll get stupid drunk with the guys and excitedly discuss that “see all the stadiums” road trip that you’ll never take.

June 27 – Send out the email! Time to get everyone in the league back on board. You demand that the money is due this year the day before week 1, or rosters will be locked. No one really believes you. They’re right.

July 4 – Fireworks and Fantasy Magazines. Grab one to refresh your memory about all the off season transactions and draft picks. Jamaal Charles first round? You bet.

July 11- NFL Training Camps kickoff. Track progress of rookies and free agents. Start building your own fantasy cheatsheets. Check out thepigskindoctors.com for preseason rankings. Then rank your own list of 30 QBs. What to do with Favre?

July 18 – Rank your top 50 receivers. Get Rice and Austin and Nicks up in there. Also build a fake sheet with terrible projections and “accidentally” email it to an opposing owner. Highlight Devin Hester and write “big year” next to his name.

July 25 - Rank 40-50 running backs. Talk up McFadden when your buddy asks who really like this year.

August 1 – Tight Ends, Kickers, and Defenses. Worth ranking 10 each. Slip in a movie night with girlfriend. Take her to Toy Story 3. You like Pixar movies anyway. Elastagirl..eh.. eh? know what I’m mean?? … No? I’m saying the cartoon superhero mom from The Incredibles was hot.

August 8 -  Mock Draft like crazy all week. If you know your league, you can get an idea of who they like. Mock accordingly. Also, always give the player that you hope falls to you, to a team ahead of you. Mocking in the “worst case scenario” style is the best way to prepare.

August 9 – Mini camps and two-a-days are over. Brett Favre’s heart is magically in it again. He unretires. Get him back in your rankings.

August 15 -Your fantasy draft is finally here! You didn’t sleep all night. Grab your cheat sheets, notes, magazines, and make a quick list of players you want to remember later in the draft. Kiss your girlfriend goodbye for 17 weeks.

August 22 – Fantasy draft #2!! You take Ray Rice at #2. Good pick. No one seems prepared as you are.

August 29 -  Fantasy draft 3!!. MJD falls to you at 5 somehow. Dude picked Aaron Rodgers at 4. Ehh.

September 5 -Fantasy draft 4!!! Last pick but you grab Jamaal Charles and Andre Johnson. Rock solid start.

September 7 -Fantasy League #5 auction draft! You get Marques Colston for $2 somehow! Draft goes 4 hours, people get restless, but you could do this all day. Hines Ward $1? Whaaaat?! Roethlisberger $3? Jackpot.

September 12 – NFL KICKOFF!!!!  It’s finally here! You’re so excited you can’t even stand it. You even forgot your girlfriend’s birthday yesterday. She yells at you, even slaps you. You don’t hear or feel much of it. She keeps running her mouth and finally drops an ultimatum on you. Football or her. You hesitate way too long, she walks out.

Unscathed, you flip on your TV’s and finalize your rosters. The guys are on their way over. You kick up your feet and crack one of the Rolling Rocks you found in the fridge. She hated that gift. Whatever. Fantasy football season is finally here.

And there’s always those UT chicks.