If your night life activity was broken down into Football terminology, here’s how it might look from A to Z.
A – Alligator Arms – You make a perfect pass. You’re confident and charming. You even use your can’t miss, “Can I buy you a drink so I look better” line, but shes not reaching out. No interest here. Move on.
B – Bump and Run - Eh, This is rather self-explanatory. Maybe just text her a few times during the week so you don’t seem that awful. Make a bad callback joke about something funny you two talked about that night.
C – Check Down – Pass on the best looking girl in the group. She’s well covered already. Go after one of her friends. She’ll feel good about being pursued in front of her hotter friend, and you’ll have a much better chance of completing the play with this one. Just make sure you have a fake emergency phone call lined up for the morning.
D – Down Hill Runner - The eye on the prize, no nonsense, straight forward approach. ” Hi, My name is Mike. You’re exceptionally beautiful. We would make attractive children. I’m pretty sure I like you, and I can tell you like me, a lot. I saw you looking at me earlier. I bet your job is really interesting, and I’d like to find out over breakfast tomorrow. Why don’t we get out of here and head back to my place for the night. Here, help me finish my drink. I really love that color on you. This could only be more perfect if Spandau Ballet’s True was playing right now. You’re eyes are green..and your lips are so voluptuo…” Bam. Knee’d in the groin..
E – Eligible receiver – There needs to be a cutoff. 7 and up is a bit ambitious, but don’t just settle for anyone, like Greg. Greg hits on the first girl he sees. Doesn’t matter to him. Long as she has a pulse, really. “Hi I’m Greg. Can you breath? Great. Two vodka sodas please.
F – Fair Catch – Everybody is eying the same girl, but your buddy Jim already planted the seed at the upstairs bar. Can’t hit on her this time around, she’s been marked. No worries though, You’ll get her another night because Jim hasn’t closed in.. ever.
G – Gunslinger – The guy who has no shame and something to say every girl. “Love your dress /I like your hair, is that crimped? / Sweet Burberry scarf / Nice sunglasses, it’s pretty bright in here / What are you drinking? / Have you seen Avatar? / Have you seen Avatar in 3D? My buddy is having a party late night / How great is Modern Family? / Are you a natural blond? / Your friend is hot.
H – Huddle – Quick meet up in the back bar. What’s the word? Should we stay? Got any numbers? Any prospects even? “Yes,” says Ryan. I doubt it, but, whatever.. Everyone, get your hands in.. 1, 2, 3, Pants on the ground.
I -Interference – John’s moved in on a group of girls. You can overhear his conversation. “Yea, I spend a couple hours at the gym everyday..I mean I just don’t see how anyone could be overweight really. My body is kind of like a temple you know?…Nice one John. Time to interfere and save any ounce of a chance anyone had with this bachelorette party.
J – Jam - Don’t be lookin like a fool with your hat turned sideways. Get out there and dance to amazing music from Gaga, Ke$ha, Rhianna, Miley, and Larry Platt.
K – Kickoff – Pregame party at your place. Take Kamachatka shots to the face. Get buzzed now, save money later. Play a mean game of Kings with the guys. Someone brings up the category NL shortstops. Bill’s turn, “Uh, I dont know, uh, Ken Griffey Jr? I don’t know, I hate when you guys do sports stuff.” Make him finish his beer, then kick him out. Not out of the game, out of the house.
L – Linebacker – It’s the girl in the corner who just ordered another basket of Mozzarella sticks right before the kitchen closed. Better to stay away, unless, you know, it’s been awhile.
M – Mr. Irrelevant – The guy who is talking to the girl you want to talk to. If she looks uncomfortable, get in there and play the “I’m acting like I know you and I’m gonna save you” card. Say something ridiculous like, “Hey crazy, everyone is looking for you upstairs! Get back up here with all of us.” Then she’ll walk away with you and talk about how great it was that you saved her from that creep and she’ll make out with you in the the stairwell and dance with you for hours and follow you back to your house that night. Or not. Probably none of those things will happen.
N – Nickel Back – When a sweet Nickelback song comes on and Chad Kroeger’s sexy raspy voice starts rocking, you can’t help but take a moment and think to yourself, this is the worst band ever.
O – Offsides - It’s easy to flirt with your friend’s girlfriend. You’re only on a playful level with her. No expectations, just an open door to be the cool, fun friend. Don’t do it. Or at least keep it to a minimum. Or fine, do it and then be let down when she falls for you and then breaks up with you for another one of your friends she was flirting with who was just as funny and care free as you once were. Now your enemies with all your friends and she’s trying to get back with.. yea, don’t do it.
P – Pitch/Lateral – Your pathetic buddy doesn’t have the stones to talk to the cute girl across the room so he makes you do his dirty work while he waits by the bar and puts out the vibe. Ok fine then, you’ll go talk to her. “Um, hi there. My friend over there at the bar thinks your really attractive. He’s a pretty cool guy, and uh, he doesn’t have a job.” Or however it comes out. Then secretly meet her out on the slopes in a little place called Assspen.
Q – Quarters - A faced paced drinking game you can ruin your uncoordinated friend with before the night even starts. “Ohh man how unfortunate, it’s Jake once again!”
R – Rollout – You just bought a shot for a girl who’s boyfriend was actually in bathroom. He’s the jealous type, he comes back and puts his arm around her and asks if he can help you. Eh, no, I’m good. Nice Affliction T-Shirt though. He takes your Washington Apple. Damn. Time to Rollout.
S – Sack - Lay on the pick up line. Tell her you play guitar and volunteer when your not investment banking. Tell her about your sick new black light and lava lamp. Then bring her back to the sack. This is where the magic happens, once every 14 months or so.
T - Turnover - She’s eating you up. She’s digs your Jersey Shore knowledge, she loves that you just finished The Prisoner of Azkaban. Then you make a great Palin joke only to find out she’s a hard core Right Winger. She calls you sexist. She suddenly has to use the bathroom. Turnover.
U – Unnecessary Roughness - Sean’s had a few too many. Once again he starts arguing that Pittsburgh is the best sports town, unprovoked. Red Wing fan disagrees. Sean gets passionate and pushy. Other guy pushes back. Gloves are off, fists fly. Hell yea! The Rolling Stones. Street Fighting Man. G -7!… “If you like Pina Coladas…”
V – Victory Monday. A Sunday Funday is turning into a Sunday night blowout. But you met someone and it’s progressing well. You’re definitely taking a personal day tomorrow. A Victory Monday. The night goes well but unfortunately you forget the girls name in the morning. Oddly, you find that it’s tattoo-ed on her lower back… Angel is not as attractive as you remembered.
W – Winning Percentage – It’s about .043% for the group as a whole. Pret-ty awful. And that’s counting Cinnamon the one legged stripper that Bri…You know what? I promised him I wouldn’t mention that.
X – XFL – Ex For Life. She won’t give up. She’s even seen you with another girl. This girl is crazy. Tell her your gay, asexual, not human, whatever it takes, but she has to know that “He Hate Me” isn’t just a funny nickname.
Y – YAC – 12 shots of Jameson + 8 MGDs + 1 Guinness + 3 Steak tacos
Z – Zebra – Someones gotta officiate the night. Whether you’re the DD or you’re just there to pull Sean away from a fight, someone has to wear the whistle and the stripes… Not it.